Parents are always looking for encouragement on how to manage sibling rivalry. In a recent post we spoke about how important it is to “look for the good” in your children’s seemingly annoying interactions.
We can take this one step further. Becky Bailey in her book, “Easy To Love, Difficult to Discipline” encourages parents to assume that the child is behaving with goodness instead of reacting negatively and assuming their child is misbehaving. When we attribute negative motives to our children’s behavior we place them in a situation where there only recourse is to attack or defend themselves and exhibit more oppositional behavior. Bailey comments, “When the attack/defend process gets rolling communication and connection break down. ….When you learn to attribute positive intent to other people, you possess a powerful skill. It is the skill you need to transform opposition into cooperation.”
Here are some examples on how you can put this principle into practice:
“She made a face at you and you ignored her.” (Even if she was about to complain)
“You were angry at her and you just yelled at her instead of hitting her.”
“Thank you for letting her know that you were leaving to the bus stop. Sara, Leah wants you to know that she is starting to walk to the bus stop.” (Even if she said she was leaving in a nasty voice)
“Thank you for telling me that Mikey is not doing his homework. Mikey, Allie is concerned that you are not doing your homework. She wants to make sure that you don’t get in trouble with your teachers. Isn’t that right, Allie?” (You can say this even if Allie really just wanted to get Mikey in trouble with his teachers).
“I saw you lift your hand to hit him. He ran away and you did not run after him. You controlled yourself.”
“You saw she was getting ready to hit you. Instead of hitting back you ran away. You know how to take care of yourself.”
“She called you a dumbo and you said, ‘I am not a dumbo I am a smarto’. You stood up for yourself.”
Handling the challenges of sibling rivalry is tough. “Assigning positive intent” will help you manage the difficulties in the best possible way.
Join our “Sibling Rivalry” workshop: Tuesday, November 30 8-10pm EST.
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