I was just on Facebook and read the following posts from Sarah Chana Radcliffe Parenting:
“Positive words leave a lasting positive impression in the brain, therefore avoid using negative words in any kind of sentence. For instance, avoid “Don’t be rude,” or “That was rude,” or “You are speaking in a rude way” (all of which are interpreted the exact same way by the child’s brain – as “You are rude.”). Instead, use the positive word in your correction – the exact opposite of the negative word: “Please speak in a respectful way” or “Please say that in a more polite way.” All negative words can be replaced with their positive opposite to yield long-lasting positive emotional and behavioral results!”
Ms. Radcliffe further explains this concept in her book, “Raise Your Kids Without Raising Your Voice”.
I know I have said this before, but I love the way that we, parents, can change a few words in a sentence and it can be so much kinder, and more effective. The above quote also reminds me of what I had written in a previous article about stopping to use the word “never”, when speaking to my kids. I would say things like:
“You never listen to me.”
If they were disrespectful I would say:
“You never respect me.”
If they wouldn’t clean up their toys I would say:
“You never do what I ask you do.”
And the fight would be on. Kids find this accusatory language to be annoying and unfair. They would become defensive and start countering with:
“Why should I listen to you?”
“You’re not the boss of me!”
I finally realized what I was doing and I thought, “Is it really true…Do they really never listen to me? Do they never show me respect? Are they really always non-compliant?”
I realized also that I was sending them a very negative message about themselves. I was telling them that they were not good listeners, they were disrespectful and non-compliant. I knew that the more times I pointed out that my kids were not listening or being disrespectful or non-compliant, the more likely they would perpetuate that behavior.
So to turn the above statements around, we can instead say:
“I know you know how to listen.”
“I know you can be respectful.”
“I know you can pick up your toys.”
What do you think? Anymore suggestions?
Leave a comment below!