I am reading a great book, “Helping the Child with Learning Disabilities Find Social Success: It’s So Much Work To Be Your Friend”, by Richard Lavoie.
I think I have highlighted most of the book. It is just that good.
I have just finished reading the chapter, “Bullies, Victims and Spectators.”
Lavoie, speaks about the phenomenon of the “mean” teenager. This is what he says,
“Teenagers are not inherently mean. But their treatment of their peers can be brutal….
An example may be useful. Suppose four girls-Paula, Nancy, Janet and Joanne- are daily commuters on the same school bus. Each morning, each girl enters the bus with the same wrenching secret fear: that she will say, do or wear something that makes her stand out and appear dumb or different. In her mind, one misstep could destroy the relationship she shares with the others. One mistake could result in the permanent and indelible brand of loser.
The four girls carefully navigate the minefield of adolescent conversation, careful not to say anything controversial or dumb. As the carefully choreographed conversation proceeds, Janet expresses her admiration for a singing group that is decidedly “out” and “uncool.” Joanne grabs this opportunity to keep the spotlight off herself by mercilessly taunting Janet for her out-of-step opinion. The other two girls-also wary of the spotlight-gladly join in. Basically, as long as the spotlight focuses on Janet, the others are safe from the glare. Upon arrival at school, Janet staggers from the bus, humiliated and embarrassed. Are her fellow passengers pathologically mean and cruel? Not really. They’re merely trying to survive! By focusing the group’s hostilities on another child, the adolescent ensures her own well-being. This also allows her a modicum of control over her life and her environment.”
That explains a lot. How can we help our teens navigate these social situations in more positive ways? I hope to explore that in a future post!