Parents need to know that saying “sorry” is part and parcel of teaching our children manners. If we want our children to get along with others we need to help them find ways to make amends for their mistakes and misdeeds.
Children need to learn the art of apology to help them throughout life. Friends make up when one says they are sorry. If you bump into someone on the street we are socially obligated to say sorry. Apologizing is a way to be courteous, show respect to others, be socially responsible and to demonstrate accountability for our actions.
It sounds so simple. So what is the problem? Many parents force their children to say they are sorry when they really aren’t. Parents can be uncomfortable when their child does something wrong. They may feel pressure from other parent’s or relatives to make their child say they are sorry. Unfortunately, forcing children to apologize teaches children to be insincere. Some even consider it teaching children to lie. That is because children are usually not sorry for their behavior. Sometimes they are too angry to care. Often times they do feel bad about what they did. Then parents over react and children are placed in a situation where they act defensively and misbehave even more.
Sometime children will also use the word sorry in manipulative way. Instead of reflecting on their negative behavior and finding ways to improve, they use it to get out of trouble. They learn that saying “I’m sorry” works to get parents off their backs.
We want to teach our children the social niceties of saying they are sorry, so they have the skills they need to make it in society. We also want to teach them to be sincere. Sometimes a parent’s embarrassment over their child’s behavior causes them to act more strictly than they should. We should know, that better than forcing a “sorry” we want children to show that they are sorry for what they have done. We want to help them repair the damage they may have inflicted on others. We want them to recognize that saying they are sorry means that they regret what they have done because they have hurt another human being.
Here are 4 ways that we can teach our children the right way to be sorry:
1. Give the child the benefit of the doubt:
If you see your child is truly remorseful, instead of using coercion, you can assign positive intent and tell them what they can do, “I am sure you didn’t mean to make Mikey mad and hurt his feelings. You see that he is crying and sad. It is important to say you are sorry when you hurt someone. It shows that you care. You might want to do that now.”
Forcing your child to say they are sorry, even when they really are, can set you up for a power struggle. Often times when we say, “Tell Sara you are sorry!” Children will refuse to cooperate. They need a way to save face. Children can run away and hide, laugh nervously, get angry or say, “She deserved it because she was bothering me.”, “I hate her and I will never say I am sorry!” Then the battle is on. To avoid that we need to be as gentle with the perpetrator as we are with the victim.
2. Actions speak louder than words:
Children may say they are sorry but it is important that they follow up with an action that truly shows they are remorseful. Parents can say, “Telling Jack you are sorry is a great first step. Is there anything you can do to show him that you are sorry?”
Younger children may need some help figuring out ways to show their sorrow. We can offer them some options:
“You pulled Andy’s hair, you can make him feel better by making nice to his head. Here, I will show you how.”
“You might want to buy Mikey a new ball with your allowance or you can give him one of your own. How do you think that would work?”
3. Plan for the future:
When children make mistakes it is the perfect opportunity to teach children ways that they can improve their behavior. We can help them understand that they are in control of themselves and they can react appropriately to difficult situations. After we have helped them make amends we can say, “The next time that Sara says your picture is silly, is there a better way you can handle it, instead of hitting her? Do you think you can find your words and say ‘I don’t like being made fun of!’ instead of using your hands?”
For older kids you can say, “I know you felt bad when you found Kaitlin’s borrowed notes all crumpled in the bottom of your backpack. I am sure that you will find a way to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”
When parents gently review children’s behavior they give children an opportunity to learn from their experience. Children can then make plans and have goals on how to make amends in the future.
4. Role Model:
The real key in getting children to say they are sorry and mean it, is learning from parent’s actions. Children need to see their parents be genuinely contrite in order to learn the meaning of being truly remorseful. Parents have plenty of opportunities to model this type of behavior. In the course of the day, parents may say things they don’t mean, yell because they are tired and accuse children falsely. If parents can say they are sorry in all these situations it is a valuable lesson for children. It is a live example of what they can do when they mess up and hurt someone’s feelings.
Parents can say:
“I am sorry I yelled before, I was tired and seeing the mess set me off. That is no excuse for my behavior……”
“I am sorry I accused you of leaving the milk out, I should have given you the benefit of the doubt.”
“I am sorry I hurt your feelings, I overreacted before, when it gets really busy and noisy here, I sometimes say things that I shouldn’t.”
Parents can have a huge impact on their child’s behavior when they behave as role models.
Tell us what you think. We would love to hear from you!