We all want to praise our children. We want them to feel confident, capable, and good about who they are. But here’s the part that surprises many parents: not all praise actually builds self-esteem.
In fact, research shows that the kind of praise we use most often
“Good job!”
“You’re the best!”
“You’re so sweet!”
can leave children feeling unsure rather than secure. This type of praise is vague and fleeting. It doesn’t give children anything solid to hold onto, so they end up chasing the next “good job” instead of building real inner confidence.
What *does* help?
Praise that **describes what you see and what you appreciate**.
When you name a child’s actions, effort, or self-control, you help them build a clear picture of who they are and what they’re capable of. That kind of praise sticks.
Here are some examples of what that sounds like in real life:
* *“You waited patiently for the computer and kept yourself busy drawing while you waited. That wasn’t easy.”*
* *“I had a really nice day today. I noticed how much effort everyone made to speak kindly and work things out.”*
* *“You hung up your coat and put your boots away. It feels so good to walk into an organized mudroom.”*
* *“The museum wasn’t really your thing, and I know it was boring—but you didn’t complain and made the most of it. I appreciate that.”*
* *“I saw you stop yourself before saying ‘shut up’ to your sister. That took real self-control.”*
This kind of praise tells a child: *I see you. I notice your effort. This is something you can do again.*
I’ll be honest—this was one of the hardest parenting skills for me to learn. At first, it felt awkward… even a little fake. But I kept practicing, and I saw the difference. This kind of praise doesn’t inflate children from the outside—it **builds them from the inside out**.
You can forget a dozen times you were told “good job,” but you don’t forget the day you helped your younger brother calm down when he was upset, or the afternoon you stayed with a hard assignment even though you wanted to quit. When those moments are noticed and named, they become part of how a child sees themselves: I’m someone who can try, who can care, who can keep going.
That’s the goal—not children who rely on approval, but children who carry a quiet confidence with them. Children who know, *I’ve done hard things before. I can do them again.*
If you’d like more practical, doable tools like this, you can find them in my book:
Parenting Simply: Preparing Kids for Life
Small shifts in how we speak can make a lifelong difference.