Dear Adina,
I have a 2.5 year old and a 7 month old. In a nutshell, it’s like my parenting has gone down the drain as far as my toddler is concerned. If I may say so myself, I used to be a really great mom. I tried REALLY hard.
All was good for the first 2 or so months of the new baby’s life. And it’s been downhill from there, culminating in a nearly zero-patience mom at this stage.
Overall, he’s a sweet, good-natured kid. I’d say his two biggest “downfalls” are that he doesn’t sleep nearly as much as he should (no idea how to fix it) and, definitely partly–though not completely–as a result of that, tends to be a bit of a crybaby.
I usually lose it when he’s crying about something: more videos (that’s a big one), if he gets hurt (after starting up with another kid), if he won’t calm down, or go back to sleep. I also get really annoyed when he just won’t do something, especially if we’re in a rush or the baby is crying (e.g. get dressed to go out). I also get upset if he’s aggressive with other kids and ignores me when I tell him to stop.
He’s home with me because I felt he wasn’t ready for school. I’m a stay-at-home mom.
I don’t know what to attribute this to. His behavior hasn’t changed nearly as much as mine has, if really at all, so I know the issue lies with me. I am sleep-deprived, but I don’t think any more than I’ve been before. I used to budget significant amount of time to spend with him, and now I just feel like I don’t have the energy or motivation to do so (though I never enjoyed the actual “playing”; I did it to enhance the relationships) — maybe there’s been a breakdown in my connection to him so I’m less tolerant.
Any suggestions as far as causes and/or ideas for improvement would be so greatly appreciated.
Thank you!!
Thanks so much for your question! Here are my thoughts:
1. Good mothers have bad days, weeks and even months:
Stop trying so hard. Sometimes you will be a good parent, sometimes average, sometimes not so great- it is all part of parenting. It goes in waves. You are just experiencing one of the downward spirals- don’t be to hard on yourself.
2. It’s a phase:
Your son is smack in the middle of the terrible twos- plus he is your oldest so you have never experienced terrible twos (which is probably one of the toughest stages of parenting). In a nutshell, he is basically testing your limits- which is exhausting for all parents. What helps is setting limits kindly and firmly:
3. Be firm and loving:
When setting limits, deliver Empathy and kindly let your child know the rule: (you might have to repeat over and over- it gives you something to say instead of yelling and can sometimes help parents not lose it…or if they lose it and least they are still being somewhat nice.)
“I know you wanted another video, you are so sad because your video is over. The rule is 2 videos and tomorrow you get another video, now it is dinner time. I know you are so so sad.”
You can also distract him:
Distract with choices: (you might have to repeat over and over)
Do you want the blue car or the red car while I get dinner ready?
Do you want to sit in this chair or this one?
Do you want your chicken nuggets first or your applesauce?
Distract with conversation: (You might have to be very creative with this one)
“Daddy is coming home soon. I wonder when he will walk in that door!”
“I spoke to Grandma and she is coming over on Saturday- I can’t wait- what are we going to play with her?”
“Tomorrow we are going to the zoo- what animals would you like to see?”
Don’t expect him to answer- he might still be upset about the video- but thats okay- it takes them a while to regain their equilibrium-they really need to just finish crying it out and often nothing you say will help- they just need to ride out the wave of frustration- try to just be as empathetic as you can, until you can’t take it anymore. Then you can say:
“I know you are sad, the problem is I need to get dinner ready.”
“I know you are sad, my ears are hurting, I can’t listen anymore, lets find a place for you to calm down.”
I hope this helps! I have a few more suggestions that can help. I will continue this next week!
Adina