Dear Adina,
When I am busy in the kitchen getting breakfast or dinner ready my kids often do things to try and get my attention. I get so frustrated and mad. If they would just leave me alone and let me finish up I could get things done and then spend time with them. I usually end up yelling and make things worse. I realize that if I would only give them the attention that they need then the situation wouldn’t spiral out of control. I am really not good in the heat of the moment. What can I do to give my kids the attention that they need?
I love what Becky Brown Braun in her book, “Just Tell Me What To Say” writes about attention, “Think of you and your child as the two parts that make up Velcro. There’s the fuzzy part and the prickly suit part that easily catches the fuzz. You awaken each day and put on your fuzz suit. Your child wakes up and puts on his prickles. Then he spends his waking hours trying to catch you, just like the prickles hook the fuzz.”
Children want your attention more than anything. That is why they will even settle for negative attention if they are not getting positive attention.
Before you start to feel all guilty about not giving your kids enough attention, there is another aspect of child-rearing that you need to know about. As a parent, it is our job to teach our kids to delay gratification. So although, they need our attention and want it desperately they also need to learn to wait, which for children is really tough. Learning to wait goes hand in hand with learning how to tolerate frustration. That is one of the main reasons that children tantrum.
To sum it up, kids need our attention but they also need to learn how to delay gratification, wait, and tolerate the frustration of having to wait.
So now we know what kids need. What about parents? Being constantly on call and having to give and give and teach and teach is exhausting. What are some simple ways that we can give our kids the attention they crave and help them learn to wait while maintaining your sanity?
1. Special Time:
Simi Yellin, a parent coach from California, encourages parents to spend at least 10 minutes a day with each child, alone. Once a child knows that she will have her Mom or Dad’s undivided attention for a specified time every day, it can offset their neediness for attention. They will feel loved and noticed uniquely. Most parents observe that there is a decrease in misbehavior very soon after they have instituted “special time” in their house.
In our house, we staggered bedtimes so that each child can have their private time. This is what worked for our family. There are many different ways to give children their own time. Every family needs to find a way that is convenient and easy to implement. If 10 minutes feels like too much then start small and build from there. Five minutes a day can also help.
2. Give Yourself a Break and Empathize:
Let’s go back to the example you have of being in the kitchen and making dinner. Your kid comes in and asks you to help him find his lost toy, give him a snack, or act as judge and jury for the fight he is having with his brother. (This is a situation, in which I find myself often and I feel the same way you do: Annoyed with a touch a frustration and the start of simmering anger, ugh!)The key here is to use empathy. First talk to yourself:
“Okay, I am really feeling annoyed, frustrated with the start of simmering anger. I do not like having to stop what I am doing to find his lost toy, give him a snack or act as judge and jury for the fight he is having with his brother. Motherhood can be so tough sometimes, a real challenge.”
You can also throw in a little pep talk, “I can stay calm and handle this appropriately without yelling.”
Instead of this: Say this:
3. Give Your Kid a Break and Empathize:
Once you have pulled yourself together and you may have to say the above a few times before you do, you can empathize with your child. Remember, he wants you and your attention right away and he needs help learning how to delay gratification. You can say:
“Oh no! I am making dinner right now and can’t help you. I know it is really tough to wait. I wish I could stop everything and help you. In a few minutes, I might be able to do that.”
You can try to give him some of that attention that he needs:
“Would you like to stay next to me while I peel carrots? Will that help you wait or would you like to find something else to do?”
4. Know Under Which Conditions You Work Best:
There are Moms who can do it all with their kids running around. They can maintain their equilibrium and actually cook and clean in the midst of chaos. I am not one of those Moms.
Yesterday, I was cooking for the Jewish New Year while the whole family was home. I was constantly being interrupted. I forgot how many cups of flour I had already put in the batter, to put the timer on, and the roast in the oven etc. I needed to remind myself that having people around me gets me frazzled. I need quiet in order to cook.
It is helpful if we understand and take care of ourselves and our needs. Part of that is knowing how we work best and utilize that knowledge to help us schedule ourselves. It is obviously not always possible but I am pretty sure next holiday, I am sending the kids out with my husband or I will do my cooking when they are in school.
I hope this helped.
Good Luck,
Adina