“When you learn to attribute positive intent to other people, you possess a powerful skill. It is the skill you need to transform opposition into cooperation.”
-Becky Bailey, Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline
We all somehow do it. We often think that our kids are acting in ways that are manipulative, selfish, rude or irresponsible. Those are just some of the negative labels that we may assign to our children’s behavior.
Ultimately, we need to remember that kids are just human, like the rest of us. They may seem manipulative, but generally they are just trying to get their needs met. They may seem selfish, but they just haven’t learned to look around them and see another person’s perspective. They often act rude because they don’t know the social skills required in a given situation. Their behavior can look like irresponsibility but they might not know what exactly it is that they should do. Sometimes they are just tired, tired of being a kid, tired of being bossed around by adults, tired of not knowing what the rules are.
Sadly, when we attribute negative motives to our children’s behavior we place them in a situation where their only recourse is to attack or defend themselves and exhibit more oppositional behavior. This is often where the cycle of the power struggle begins. Once we have begun, it is difficult to extricate ourselves.
There is a better way of viewing our kids behavior. We can look for the good instead of reacting negatively and assuming our children are misbehaving. We can assign a positive intention to their behavior. We can give them the benefit of the doubt.
These 2 examples illustrate these ideas:
Instead of Assigning a Negative Motive:
“You just can’t just walk away from the table when your done eating. It is rude and irresponsible. You need to help clear up.”
“You always cry when you don’t get your way. That is selfish! You should know better than that!”
Children may react to these accusations with defiance, anger, and hurt. The above statements can damage a child’s self-esteem.
Assign positive intent and let them know what you expect from them:
“You thought it was okay to leave the table. You figured I would call you when it was time to clear. Just so you know, next time I’d appreciate if you would ask to be excused before you left the table.”
Assign positive intent and give them the words they need to express themselves:
“You are really disappointed that you can’t come with me to the store. It is making you so sad that you just had to cry. Next time you can say, ‘Mommy, it makes me so sad when I have to stay with the babysitter, while you go to the store.”
When we assign positive intent we show faith in our child’s innate goodness. We promote strong and loving interactions. Our children will not feel the need to oppose us. Parents are then free to direct the child kindly and firmly to use better behavior.
Bailey, B. (2000). Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline. NY: Harper Collins