Sometimes it is so difficult to talk to our children. We say something innocently and they take it the wrong way. The worst is when our questions are met with silence, the shrug of shoulders or an irritated look.
I have found that one of the best ways to ask our kids questions (in order to really get answers) is to ask “How” questions instead of “Why” questions. That is because “Why” questions usually put kids on the defensive.
“Why are you fighting?”
“Why aren’t you going to Sara’s party?”
“Why didn’t you do your homework?”
Kids also have a hard time answering because they really might not know why; they fight with their siblings over their toys because that’s what they always do. Or they might sense the reason but they just can’t verbalize it, they don’t have the words to explain, “Well, if I go to Sara’s party and I don’t know anyone else than I will be uncomfortable. Sometimes Sara is nice to me and sometimes when she is with other people she ignores me. I just feel so unsure etc.” Sometimes they won’t answer because they feel as if they will get in trouble, “I didn’t do my homework because I wanted to watch the TV program that was on. If I tell my Mom that, boy, will she get angry.”
It is easier for kids to ignore, shrug their shoulders or give an irritated look.
“How” questions can work better in helping to get our kids engaged in a conversation, think of solutions to the own problems or even just let them know that we are there for them.
Parents can ask:
“How can we work this out so that the toys can be shared?”
This can help the conversation move to a place where kids can start thinking about problem solving.
“How can I help you get to Sara’s party today?”
This kind of question may help kids open up and talk about what there concerns are. It is a softer way of letting them know that we are there for them.
“How can you get your homework done?”
This can help kids move to thinking of solutions to their own problems.
So it is time to move away from “Why” questions and over to “How” questions.
Good luck!
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