How to Cope With Sibling Rivalry

Thanks to the pandemic, we’re spending a lot of time with our families and nerves are a bit frayed. There is zoom school, the constant cooking, and snacking, and the seemingly never-ending mess. But what is driving parents over the edge? What is the number one problem? Sibling Rivalry. Many kids are bickering, teasing, tattling and finally, the worst, fighting.

Sibling rivalry is probably one of the most annoying behaviors that we as parents need to manage. We get so frustrated and we are not sure how to react. Kids will fight about almost anything.  We often, unwittingly put ourselves in the middle of the fray.

Here are 3 great techniques that we can use to manage sibling rivalry, stop the fighting, and move children towards resolving their own issues.

Avoid Asking Questions

When children fight we usually react by playing judge and jury. We start asking questions.This can exacerbate the problem.

“Whose turn is it?”

“Why are you fighting?”

“Who had it first?”

“Why can’t you get along?”

“Who started this?”

Children do not have answers to these questions. Or, if they do, since they are developmentally egocentric, the answers will be completely subjective. They do not have the savvy or the intelligence to judge objectively.

When asked “Who started it?”, I can guarantee that they will each feel the other started it.

Same with, “Who had it first?” They will both think that they had it first.  “Why are you fighting?”, will also evoke a similar response, they will both blame the other one for being “mean” or “unfair.”

As for, “Why can’t you get along?”the real answer is, “It is natural for siblings to fight, they are each vying for a parents attention. It is frustrating to live with someone and any two people living together will get on each other’s nerves.” Unfortunately, children do not have the self-awareness, or understanding to answer this question correctly.

The “Three-Pronged Approach”

Instead of asking questions we want to move our children  from conflict to resolution. We can do that by:

• Naming the problem

• Acknowledge feelings

• Moving children towards problem- solving

Here are a few sample scripts that you can read over before the next argument erupts:

Cleaning up the family room

Why can’t you kids just clean up the family room when I ask you? Why does everything need to be a fight?

What you could say:

“You guys are having trouble figuring out how to clean up the family room. You can’t decide what you should do first. You feel like you end up doing more and you feel like you end up doing more. You don’t feel that is fair. What would seem fair to both of you? How can we clean up the family room in a way that you both feel would work for you?”

Arguing over whose turn it is to play

Why do you always have to argue over whose turn it is to play? Why do you guys always have to make a big deal out of nothing? I am taking these toys away now! Now no one is going to play!

What you could say:

“You sound like you are having some trouble sharing this toy train. You both want to play with it right now. You don’t want to have to take turns. Can you guys figure out some sort of compromise? What can we do?”

Have Pat Phrases

When it comes to their siblings, a child’s memory is like an elephant. Kids have a running tab in their head of who has done what. Each child has different ideas of what they consider fair and just. So even though you may tell Sara to sweep because Eli just helped you with the baby, Sara, might remember that she swept last time and really it should be Eli’s turn.

That’s why they are always saying things like:

“I always have to do everything!” or “Why don’t you ask, Sam? Why do you always ask me?”

You don’t want to get embroiled in trying to remember who did what. Again, you don’t  want to play the judge and jury game or be the referee. It is exhausting and frustrating to try and decipher each kids complicated and unwritten sense of what they deem fair. Instead you can say:

“I am trying to make the jobs as fair as possible.”

“Sometimes you will do more and sometimes he will do more. That is how it works.”

“We are a team and we work together.”

“Right now we need cooperation to get a job done. We will discuss the fairness of the situation later on.”

Don’t worry if your kids don’t respond right away. Moving kids from conflict to solution can be a long and arduous process.

Want to learn more? You don’t have to go at this alone!

Join our newest workshop!

Sibling Rivalry 2.0: A Modern Approach to an Age Old Problem