There are many reasons children misbehave. They may be tired, annoyed, or frustrated. When we parents have to deal with a misbehaving child it can be rough. It can help if we recognize that children are generally not acting out on purpose, they usually have good reasons for why they misbehave.
It is even harder if we have a child who tends to be defiant or even explosive. I always think about what Ross Greene says in his book, The Explosive Child:
“An explosive outburst like other forms of maladaptive behavior occurs when the cognitive demands being placed upon a person outstrip that person’s capacity to respond adaptively.”
“A substantial number of them (the unlucky ones) explode, the criers are the lucky ones because we adults tend to take things far less personally and respond far more empathetically to children who cry than we do to children who explode, even though the two behaviors emanate from the same source.”
It is so true. It is easier for us to handle a crying child, than an angry,defiant one. It takes a lot more effort to be compassionate when we are dealing with a defiant child. I know; I have one child who becomes defiant, if he is angry or embarrassed. Our natural reaction, as adults is to get angry back. It always takes me a few minutes to pull myself together and see the defiant behavior for what it really is (anger, embarrassment, frustration, feelings of inadequacy etc.) Only then can I manage it with empathy and kindness.
I highly recommend this great book if you have a defiant child, or are just interested in how a child’s mind works.
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