One of my readers recently reached out and told me that she had been trying to incorporate some new parenting skills, but her husband undermines her. They are not on the same page at all and it’s creating marital conflict. She’s wondering what she should do!
Unfortunately, I hear a similar story from lots of moms. Here’s my advice:
Don’t Do Anything
There is nothing more annoying to a man than to have his wife criticize or a nag him. I think we all have to learn this lesson the hard way. One of the benefits of the skills that I teach is that they model respectful communication between family members. By setting a positive example, your children and even your husband will catch on (eventually) and the tone of communication around your family will be more positive.
Remember, if you criticize your husband’s parenting skills in front of your kids, that can be misconstrued as disrespect. It will increase family tension and kids can pick up on this as well. Unless there is outright physical and verbal abuse, you will need to support your husband’s decisions and parenting, even if you might not agree with his tactics.
Remember that children always feel more secure when their parents are getting along and act as a team.
Have Important Conversations in Private
If your child is having an issue and you don’t have any idea on how to handle it, speak to your spouse in private about the matter. Try not to be pushy and ask for his opinion. Here’s an example:
“I know we have been having this issue with Mikey and not doing his homework. Do you think we should try talking to his teacher? Do you think we should help him more with his homework? I heard that if we praise him specifically for the work that he does well that can help him. Does that sound right to you?”
It might sound phony at first, but it is more respectful and will hopefully generate a more positive response. I have learned that my husband is really receptive to my ideas if I let him have his say, sincerely without an ulterior motive and agenda.
I’ve also discovered that it’s good to have a guy’s opinion. Remember that they love their kids too and have some great ideas on what works. We need to just really listen to what they have to say.
If All Else Fails, Talk About Yourself
If you find that you are disagreeing a lot about parenting, you again want to have your discussions when you are both calm and in private. Above all, do not accuse him and use “I” statements:
“When roughhousing starts before bedtime I get really angry. Can we talk about this?”
“I am kind of frustrated about what happened today. I told Sam that he could not go to Sara’s house. He told me that you said he could go. Can we discuss this so we can get on the same page?”
“I am not sure if you will agree with me, but I feel that sometimes Mikey’s feelings get hurt when you mention that he is not great at sports. Do you sense that too?”
When you start your conversation with neutral language, and “I” statements, you have a better chance of avoiding arguments and coming up with positive solutions on how to work together.
It’s essential for family unity for parents to back each other up, even if one parent disagrees with the other. You must present yourselves as a unified team to your children, or your authority as parents will become undermined and your child will play one of you against the other.
Remember that personality and communication differences can be a source of strength, used wisely. The Golden Rule always apply. Overlook minor offenses, and be quick to forgive one another. You are never going to agree 100 percent of the time.