How on earth do you get children to listen to you? Some days it can be completely exasperating but believe me, you’re not the only one. Read on for some helpful tips to get your children to listen to you and establish appropriate family boundaries.
Here’s a recent email I got from a concerned mom:
My son does not listen to me. Whenever I ask him to get dressed, set the table or do anything, he ignores me. Yesterday, he was playing in the driveway as I was pulling in. I asked him to move and he just continued to play. We always end up yelling at each other. What else can I do?
How to Get Children to Listen
When dealing with children, as well as adults, it’s important to remember that nobody likes being told what to do, or how to do it. Direct commands like “brush your teeth”, “eat your breakfast,” “set the table” or “go on a diet” are authoritarian and will elicit negative thoughts or responses such as “Don’t tell me what to do” or “Leave me alone.”
As you probably know, this often leads everybody straight into a shouting match. Independent-minded children (some like to call these children difficult) have an especially hard time overcoming their aversion to direct commands.
According to “How To Talk So Kids Will Listen” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, parents should avoid giving direct commands, thereby avoiding unnecessary conflict with your child.
Strategies to Deal With a Defiant Child
Pick your battles wisely.
Being a mom is exhausting, to begin with. When you make every little thing a battleground, it undermines household peace. Is arguing over hair and clothing styles (as long as they’re within reasonable limits) really that important? Save your energy for the important things – like respecting household rules, schoolwork and chores.
Act intentionally, don’t react.
The worst thing you can do is to lose your temper and act out of anger. You’ll regret it later and have to apologize to your child to save face. Take a deep breath and calmly tell your child that they’re misbehaving. Then come back to it when you’ve had a chance to let off some steam.
Don’t bargain with them.
Remember who’s in charge. Intentional behaviors have consequences. If your child has knowingly been disobedient or disrespectful, then you need to enforce boundaries and remind them of the household rules..no if’s and’s or buts!
Sample Scripts to Get You Started
Two helpful skills are giving information and describing the problem:
Instead of:
“Move your stuff off the kitchen table”
Give information:
“Your school folder is on the kitchen table”
Describe the problem:
“Breakfast is being served-anything left on the kitchen table can get ruined.”
Instead of:
“Pick up your pajamas”
Give information:
“There are pajamas on the floor that need to be picked up.”
Describe the problem
“Pajamas that are on the floor means more work for me. More work for me, means that we won’t be getting to your playdate on time.”
Using these skills when speaking to children allows them to think clearly about what needs to be done without them experiencing that instinctual reaction of “don’t tell me what to do” that results from direct commands. They are able to listen better and they can comply more often.
Helpful Tips to Improve Communication With Children
Establishing a healthy relationship with your children will require you to be proactive with them. Make intentional time to connect with them daily, even if you only have a short time after school. With a good relational foundation in place, they’ll be more likely to listen to and respect you. Then you can have hard conversations about rules, values, and limits.
Above all else, let your children know how much you love them, even when they’re being difficult. Successful communication and having a strong bond with parents is essential for a child’s social and emotional development. It will get both of you through whatever situations life might send your way, good and bad. Not only that, but it sets the stage for all relationships in the future and how he or she will parent their own children.
Join me in my upcoming course, Successful Communication Mastery Class. In this course, you will develop the skills you need to communicate clearly and successfully with your children be better prepared to manage difficult situations and conversations, creating a more peaceful home life.