Dear Adina, My son seems bent on creating problems at home. He is loud, disrespectful and he complains a lot, about seemingly silly things, like the fact that I bought chocolate ice cream, instead of his favorite vanilla, or being able to sit in the front seat of the car, or if I am too tired to talk to him or take him over to his friend’s house. He can be sweet and loving, telling me that I am his favorite Mom and then a few hours later get upset over what I made for dinner. I feel like I am losing it a lot with him and I don’t know what to do. Any advice would be extremely helpful. TIA
Thanks so much for your question. Isn’t parenthood fun? Seriously, we need to remember that life with kids is messy. There are a lot of ups and downs and it is all pretty normal. That being said, here are some skills that can help:
1. Keep calm and carry on:
When are kids are provoking us or are disrespectful we need to keep calm. This can be so tough, because kids can be so adept at pushing our buttons. I know that I sometimes find myself in the middle of a power struggle with my kids and I am not even sure how I got there. (I always think of Pride and Prejudice. Lizzy asks Mr. Darcy, to tell her when he fell in love with her. He answers, “I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look, or the words, which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun.”)
To help us keep calm, we need to know that the disrespectful, provoking and complaining behavior is usually a cover for some difficult emotions that they have trouble processing. There is usually an underlying message:
- “I need attention..”
- “I am sad, angry, bored…”
- “I need to know that you love me and I am in important to you…”
2. Reflecting their feelings:
If kid’s bad behavior is a cover up for their more difficult emotions we want to help them process their emotions by naming their feelings:
- “You are disappointed I did not get chocolate ice cream for you.”
- “You really wanted to sit in the front seat of the car…”
- “You sound really upset that we won’t have time to talk…”
- “It sounds like we can use to spend more time together…”
- “Boy are you angry, that I can’t take you over to your friend’s house!”
3. Redirecting behavior:
We do want to teach our children to act appropriately and discipline them for disrespectful behavior, that can include provocations and complaints. Discipline only works if both the parent and the child are calm. So if you and your child is somewhat calm, you might want to say:
- “I know you are disappointed about the ice cream. Can you say, “Mom can you please remember to buy vanilla ice cream next time, that’s my favorite…”
- “I know you are angry, can you let me know that without calling me names…Mom I am so mad that I didn’t get to go to my friends house!”
What if you are not calm and your child is really angry? Take a break, but later on, talk to your child about it:
- “Remember when you complained about not going to your friend’s house…I know you didn’t mean it, but you called me “stupid.” Calling me a name, is not respectful. I know you will remember next time…”
- “I know you didn’t mean it. When you call me names, I get upset. It’s better if you can say, “I am so mad at you right now!” I know you will remember next time.”
Kids need us to be calm, and loving in the face of their tough emotions. They also need us to discipline them and redirect their behavior so that they are expressing their feelings in appropriate ways.
I hope this helps!