I am working on becoming a Positive Discipline Parenting instructor. I have to read through lots of great material and I am watching some very interesting DVD’s. I am learning many new parenting tools that I hope to share in our upcoming workshops.
In the meantime, I would like to share one technique that I learned. Positive Discipline encourages being an “Asking” parent instead of a “Telling” parent. That means instead of telling kids what to do all the time we should ask them questions that will help them cooperate and be involved in coming up with solutions for their everyday problems.
One of the most important jobs we have as parents is to help our children develop their independence. Part of that job means we need to help them think for themselves. This is important because we the parents aren’t going to always be there for our kids. Children need opportunities to develop their own judgments and use their own instincts. They need to make mistakes and learn from them. Being an “Asking” parent helps children do just that.
A “Telling” parents uses commands to communicate with their children: “Wash your face!” “Take out the garbage!” “Stop bothering me!”
Using commands and telling children what to do takes away their ability to think independently. Not only that it creates power struggles.
In our everyday interactions with our kids we can practice having them think for themselves. Instead of telling children what to do, we can use thinking questions that involve the child and make them feel as if their opinion counts. It can also be a great way to engage our children’s cooperation at the same time. It is a fantastic way to foster independence in our kids.
TELLING: ASKING:
Questions like these mentioned above help children develop thinking and judgment skills. It helps parents bypass power struggles that are caused by demanding children follow directions. Constantly having to listen to commands makes children feel put out and disrespected. They might think, “My mom is so mean! She is always telling me what to do!” Instead, when asked for their input, they start to look at themselves as people who can make good decisions about taking care of their belongings. They feel capable and responsible. They may think, “Hey, if my Mom/Dad is asking me what I can do to be a part of the solution, they have faith in me that I can handle my own problems.”
Using questions instead of commands is also helpful to parents. Parents who are constantly issuing commands and demands find themselves in the role of army general. They feel distanced from their kids. They also feel like they have to be constantly on top of them in order for them to actually to do the simplest task. When parents ask these type of questions they start to view their children as capable and responsible and children act accordingly.
Try asking questions in your home and let us know what you think!
To learn more: Buy the audios of our class: “How To Raise Resilient,Responsible, Independent Children”