Dear Adina,
My daughter is often complaining about her day in school. She seems to do well academically and has friends. She just seems to take things to heart and does not seem to be able to cope with life.
I vacillate between saying, “You shouldn’t worry, you are smart and a good friend” and “You complain about everything and need to stop.” Nothing seems to work. Any ideas on what I can do to help her stop complaining and start coping?
Thanks for your question.
Most kids whine and complain about school and it can be frustrating for parents. For some reason, compliments, reassurance, or asking children to stop their behavior does not work. They can’t hear anything when they are upset. The only thing that can sometimes break the cycle of complaining is empathy along with questions that guide her to come up with some solutions to her problems. So the best thing to do when your daughter does this is to just empathize and gently ask her “What can you do?”
This shows your daughter that you feel for her. Asking her the question “What can you do?” not only guides her to think of ways to resolve her issues, it also gives her the message that she is capable of managing her own problems.
Here is what its sounds like:
Daughter: “School is the worst. It is so stupid.”
Mom:“School can be overwhelming sometimes. You sound frustrated. What can you do?”
Daughter: “Sara did not speak to me the whole time on a trip yesterday. She just ignored me! I am too upset to do my work!”
Mom:“ “You wish Sara was more sensitive to your feelings and would have spent more time with you. What can you do to let her know…”
In our next post we will talk about some other ways to help our children deal with their negative feelings about school.
I hope this helps.
Adina
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