Dear Adina,
I have a 2-fold problem. I need to start rebuilding trust and respect with my 14 year old. I am uncertain how to do that. Secondly, he teases his younger siblings terribly and it is driving me crazy. PLEASE HELP!!!!
Thanks so much for your question.
It sounds like you are having some issues with your 14-year old son. Here are a few things that you can try:
The best way to rebuild trust and respect with a teen is to take him out for ice cream or for pizza, whatever he likes, and talk about his interests, sports, video games, his favorite TV show etc. This may surprise him and he still may act belligerent or disrespectful, but try to bear with it. Kids put up a tough front but they really love our attention. It is hard for them to admit that.
After you have done this a few times you can have a little talk with him.
Don’t mention his siblings, first I would work on your relationship. You can start a conversation by saying something like:
“I know we have been having some trouble lately. We have been fighting and saying things we don’t mean. Is there some way that we can put a stop to this because I don’t want to do this anymore. You are frustrated, I am frustrated, I just want to see if we can start over again…”
He might balk and blame you, try not to take it so seriously.
If he is not ready to talk, you can say,
“It doesn’t seem like you feel comfortable talking about this, let’s take a break and talk again another time. But just start thinking about it. I really want to hear your side of the story.”
If he does start talking, try to listen and empathize with him, instead of lecturing and denying his feelings. In my 6-week Parenting Simply workshop, we outline the way you can do that.
See if you can come up with some solutions:
“Oh, so you don’t want me to bother you about your room being clean. Can we work on a way that it can get clean and I don’t have to nag?”
“You don’t want me to ask you where you are going all the time. Is there a way that we can make sure you are safe that will work for me and you?”
Talking about the problems and moving towards problem solving will do a lot to help your relationship.
As for the teasing, check out this article: Does The Teasing Never End?
I hope this helps!
Keep in touch!
Good Luck