Dear Adina,
I need some help with my eldest son who is 4 years old. He is on his best behavior with everyone except me. His teachers are always talking about what a great child he is but with me it always seems like he is angry. I feel like I spend more time with him than his other 2 siblings. Everything is fine until I tell him “No, you can’t do this.” He is always trying to start a fight, like asking for a snack when its meal time, or asking to watch TV when its time for a nap etc. He gets rude and aggressive and starts crying and starts saying horrible things like “I don’t like you”, “I’m going to throw this toy and break it” etc. I need some real help with him. He is driving me crazy!
Thanks so much for your question.
Here is what you should know:
1. Some kids are needier than others:
There are children who need inordinate amount of attention from their parents. It can be tough for parents. To help it not become a burden to you, you can say,
” I love spending time with you. I wish I had some more time to spend with you. While I am peeling carrots, it looks like I am not paying attention but really I am.”
Just letting him know that you wished you could spend more time with him, might reduce his need for attention.
2. Try to relax when interacting with him:
I know that when I was having problems with one of my children, I would enter into each interaction with him already tense and with a grim look on my face. (My husband pointed it out to me!) That may set the tone for your communication.
3. Children are more difficult with the people with whom they feel most safe:
It is important to remember that kids who are so “good” at school and with others are usually holding it together for too long and they need to let loose with the the one that they feel most comfortable with- you! So I know it seems back handed, but it is actually a compliment.
4. Watch your language:
It sounds as if you have a bit of a strong willed child. In that case you want to try to use language that helps you avoid power struggles:
So you want to try not say “no” to him.
For example:
“Yes, you can watch TV after your nap.”
“Yes, you can have a snack after dinner- which snack would you like after dinner…”
5. Problem solving:
If you find yourself in a power struggle before you can blink then after the power struggle when both of you are calm (it can be hours later)you want to brainstorm with him:
“Boy we had a rough time there. It was nap time and you wanted your TV time and we had a big fight about it. What can we do next time so that doesn’t happen? Should we look at your schedule and see where we can fit your TV time in so it doesn’t interfere with your nap? What are some of your ideas so that we dont have to fight anymore?”
6. Teach him to speak respectfully to you:
You do want to spend some time teaching him to speak your respectfully to you. So again, when you are both calm you can discuss the hurtful things he says:
“When your mad can you tell me ‘I am mad” instead of ‘I don’t like you’?
“When you are mad is there something you can do instead of saying you are going to break your toy or throw it? That is not safe. I would love to hear your ideas.”
You can also try our audio- When Your Child Is Defiant Simple Ways To Avoid Power Struggles. It has a lot of information on this there.
I hope this helped.
Adina