Instead of:
Try this:
“You never clean your room!”
“You are so lazy and irresponsible!”
“You are always late!”
Does this sound familiar? These are all the things I sometimes think. These are all the things I would sometimes like to tell my kids. Unfortunately, I can’t because I am a Parent Educator and I teach classes on how to communicate effectively with kids. Using the aforementioned phrases would be a no-no.
Yes, in some ways it makes my life harder but in other ways it is probably the best thing that happened to me.
Most of you know that, in all my classes I teach parents to use the “I” statement. It is the bread and butter of effective communication skills. I use it all the time.
The other day I was reading over Thomas Gordon’s workbook for his Parent Effectiveness Training program. I found out that the “I” statements can be used in many different ways.
I know that in previous posts, I spoke about how we can use the “I” statement to avoid accusing and blaming. I also mentioned how we can use it to teach our kids beliefs and value system. There is more. We can use “I” statements to prevent trouble before it starts. Gordon calls it “The Preventative “I” statement.”
For example:
Instead of:
“You never clean your room!”
You can say:
“We have company coming this weekend. I will need help getting the house cleaned. I would like to set up a schedule ahead of time of when your room will be cleaned.”
Nice right? It has a very dignified tone to it. You are letting your child know that you believe she can be counted on for help. You are also going to find a mutually agreeable time to do it as well. So much better than the accusation: “You never clean your room!”
Here are some more examples:
Instead of:
“You are so lazy and irresponsible!”
You can say:
“I need to know that the lawn will be mowed by Thursday. Can you let me know when that will be done?
Instead of:
“You are always late!”
“Tomorrow I need to get out on time. I have an important meeting at work. I need to know that I can count on you to be dressed by 7:30 am. Is there anything I can do to help you with meeting that deadline?”
There is another reason that I like this technique. My children and I both do not like surprises. My kids like to be notified in advance if their help will be needed. They are more likely to cooperate if they know what is expected of them. The “Preventative “I” statement as a parenting skill is a keeper. We will be using it a lot in the near future.
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