Parents are always wondering how to teach good values to their children. In an older post we discussed this very topic. We noted that somehow we feel that the best way to teach our kids is through lecturing and admonishments or we sometimes even deride their choices to get our point across.
For example:
When we lecture we might say:
“You know you need to listen and follow the rules in our house. Society has rules for a reason. It is important that we abide by these rules etc.”
When we admonish we might say:
“How could you lie about your homework? What were you thinking?
When we deride our kids choices, we might say:
“All you watch on TV are garbage shows. You should watch educational television. That will help expand your knowledge!”
Instead we want to try stating our beliefs and values in a non-confrontational manner using “I” statements:
“I believe that rules are important to help our home run smoothly.”
“I believe that homework should be done in a timely fashion.”
“I believe that educational TV shows help me expand my knowledge of the world.”
When we talk about ourselves and what we believe in we make a big impression on our kids. They hear our viewpoints clearly and succinctly. These simple “I” statements seems benign, but they pack a big punch because no one likes to be coerced into thinking, feeling or acting in a certain way. If we talk about what we hold dear in a non-confrontational manner, kids can hear us without feeling that they have to defend themselves or be pushed into an opinion that they might not share.
There is another way that we can teach our values to our kids. We can praise them highlighting a specific action and the attribute or character trait, that a child used to fulfill that action.
Instead of: “You are the best brother!” Try: “You found a toy that Eli likes. First you tried the bird, but he did not want that. Then you tried the elephant. That showed patience and kindness.”
Instead of: “You are so sweet.” Try: “You went to the grocery store with Grandma and you remembered to buy Sara her favorite cookies. That showed thoughtfulness.”
Praising kids actions in this way helps us teach kids the values and attributes that are important to us. It teaches them the character traits we would like them to espouse in our homes and in their future homes.