How To Use Empathy Even When You Don’t Think You Can

Empathy is one of the best techniques that you can use when communicating with your children. In my classes I encourage parents and caretakers to learn how to deliver empathy to their children. Parents who are more empathetic and manage their children’s feelings effectively will have better relationships with their children. Children of empathetic parents are better able to manage their own difficult emotions, can soothe themselves and get angry less often. They are also more relaxed. These children excel academically, have good social skills, and are liked by their peers. Overall, they have fewer behavior problems. They will also exhibit more emotional intelligence than their contemporaries.

So, what holds parents back? There are many explanations for why parents are not using empathy with their kids. The most common reasons are the following:

1. Empathy is not natural:
Many parents do not know how to speak empathetically to kids. They might not have heard it in their own home growing up and it might sound insincere, fake and corny. However, many communication experts feel that with practice parents can get the hang of it pretty quickly. Children make look at their parents in a funny way when they hear them use empathy but they will learn to appreciate it better than any other tactic parents may use.

2. Empathy sounds too permissive:
Some parents feel that they can empathize with their child if they are scared, disappointed or hurt. But they have a difficult time when their child protests the limits and rules they have set. They also have a hard time when the child is complaining about them or even their teachers. Parents feel that they should admonish their child to be more compliant and respectful instead of empathizing with them.
Parents can rest easy. When parents listen and empathize it does not mean that they are condoning negative behavior. There are ways to deliver empathy so that you can direct your child to better behavior. One way to do that is to empathize with your child and then affirm your belief that your child will do the right thing:

Child: “Your rules are so stupid. Every one of my friends is allowed to watch that T.V. show. Why do you always have to be so strict!”
Adult (empathizing): “You sound really angry right now!”
Child: “Of course I am mad. If you had to listen to all your stupid rules right now you would be mad too!”
Adult (empathizing and affirming their belief that they will do the right thing): “I know you are really upset and you are frustrated with the rules in our house. I also know that you can talk about it using a respectful tone.”

Another example of this technique is:

Child: “Ms. M is so annoying and mean!” 

Adult (empathizing): “It sounds like you are having a rough time with your teacher.” 

Child: “Yeh, she is the worse, I am not learning anything.”

Adult (empathizing): “That can get frustrating!” 

Child: “I know!” 

Adult (empathizing and affirming their belief that they will do the right thing): “Well, I know you are having a hard time with your teacher, but I also know that somehow you will learn to manage this tough situation with a respectful attitude.”

3. Empathy does not let you express your opinion or give advice:

Sometimes children and more so teens, will act in a way that conflicts with their parent’s principles. They may also adopt a moral position that is difficult for their parents to bear. In these cases it is difficult for a parent not to judge their child. Instead of being understanding and delivering empathy they will try to change their child’s mind or try to guide them to make better decisions.
It is important to remember that empathy does not mean that you agree with what your child is telling you. There are gentle ways after you have delivered empathy to let children know your opinion. Parents can empathize and disagree in a non-confrontational way:

Teen: “I am going to come late to Grandma’s house on Thanksgiving. My friends and I are getting together for a little while. I will walk over there when I am done.”
Adult (empathize): “I know it is important for you to get together with your friends. It sounds like you made some exciting plans.”
Adult (disagree in a non-confrontational way) “I am concerned with your plans and how this will affect Grandma’s feelings and our day together with our family. In the end, it is your decision, but I am not comfortable with your plans.”

Another example:

Child: “Every body should be a vegetarian. All my friends are. It is much healthier and it is better for the environment. Our whole family needs to stop eating meat!”
Adult (empathizing): “You feel very strongly about your diet. You sound excited about being healthier and helping the environment. I am glad you told me your opinion and strong feelings about being a vegetarian. Your arguments are sound; adhering to this lifestyle is better for people and for the earth.”

Adult (disagree in a non-confrontational way): “I am not sure if I totally agree or would be willing to make that change. I need to really think this over. I am glad that you shared some of your values and your friend’s values with me. It is important for adults to know what is important to kids.”

The skill of empathy can be used in so many different ways. It is an excellent way to help us avoid conflict and to promote a strong and loving relationship with our children.

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