A major part of your life as a parent will be spent talking to your kids. The way we talk to our children will affect the way they talk to us and to the other people in their lives. Words enable us to either make or break our relationship with our children.
Here are 14 easy tips to help you talk to your kids and parent in the most effective way possible:
1. Make eye contact:
Children need to have all their senses engaged in order to really listen to what you are saying. Try to get down to their level and look them in the eye when you are talking to them. This will help gain their attention. They don’t have to maintain the eye contact for more than a few seconds because that can get to intense for children. To encourage eye contact you can say, “Eli, I need your eyes.”
2. Keep it simple:
Young children can only comprehend sentences with 2-4 words. Teenagers appreciate a parent being brief in their directives instead of long drawn out lectures. Keeping your communications short and sweet will help your kids obey.
3. Say “I want”:
When you ask your child to do something instead of barking a direct command like, “Get over here!” you can try, “I want you to come here for a minute.” Children then don’t feel like they are being bossed around and they will more likely comply.
4. Use a pen:
Writing a child a note is a great way to gain your child’s cooperation or to just connect. Instead of telling your child what their chores will be on the weekend make them a list. Children love notes in their lunch boxes or an “I love you” on their pillow if you are going out for the evening.
5. Use a quiet voice:
When your child is angry don’t go head to head with him. Try to keep your voice neutral. The louder your child cries the softer your reply. It doesn’t help matters to have two people yelling.
6. Serenity Now:
Never try to engage your child when you are mad or upset. You will usually regret what you said later. Teaching moments should be reserved for when both the parent and child are calm. You can say, “I am to upset to talk right now. Let me take a few minutes to catch my breathe and calm down.”
7. Have catchy phrases to enforce limits:
In my son’s preschool class, his teacher had a few rhymes to help reinforce the rules she set in her classroom. One of her favorites was, “You get what you get and you don’t get upset.” Another great one, “If you hit you must sit.”
8. Prepare for leaving:
Children have a hard time leaving places they love. Make sure to give your children, 5-10 minute warnings before you head out. You can say, “I am letting you know we are leaving in 10 minutes. In 5 more minutes we will start to get ready to go.”
9. Help your child think:
Instead of saying, “Stop leaving your messes around the house!” Have your child come up with ideas on how to keep his stuff neat. You can say, “Maddy, I want you to think of where you can put all your art equipment in between classes. Let me know when you figure it out.”
10. Don’t be a detective:
Don’t ask questions like, “Who spilled all the juice and the floor and didn’t clean it up?” Whodunnit questions only lead to lying and accusations. Just describe the problem and ask for help, “Oh no! there is juice all over the floor. I need some help. We need a mop and some paper towels.” You can tell the family later, “I don’t know who spilled the juice and I don’t care. That person needs to remember in the future to clean up after themselves.”
11. Ask the right questions:
Many children have a hard time answering questions like, “What did you do in school today?” Instead you can get specific and ask, “Did you color or paint today?” Was today an art or gym day?” These questions will help your child open up and talk.
12. Give alternatives:
Instead of always saying “no” to your child, try to think of ways you can say “yes.” If they want to go to a friend’s house but the baby is sleeping, instead of saying “no”, you can say, “As soon as Max gets up from his nap I can take you to Mikey’s.”
13. Use “Can Do” directions:
Try to tell children what they can do instead of what they can’t. Children have a hard time stopping what they are doing. If we give them another option they will be more likely to respond
Instead of saying, “Stop twirling your hair!” you can say, “hands belong in your lap.” Instead of saying, “Stop being so wild!” You can say, “Inside is for quiet voices and quiet feet.”
14. Case closed:
Sometimes children will repeatedly ask or talk about a matter in which you feel like there should be no further discussion. You can simply say, “I hear that you want to negotiate about this some more. My decision is final and I will not change my mind. I know you are disappointed but we cannot discuss this further.” Being firm when you need to be saves wear and tear on you and your child.