In our last post we introduced the topic of Temperament. We said that understanding your child, starts with getting to know their innate temperament and personality.The more we learn about a child’s temperament and personality, the easier it is for us to get along with our child, stop power struggles, connect with them in deeper ways and help raise them to meet their full potential.
Not only that, we can gain a better appreciation of our own personalities and temperament and how it may or may not clash with our children. We can also learn under what conditions we work best based on our individual personality. It will also help provide a more realistic approach towards what constitutes deviant or disordered behavior in our kids.
According to Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, author of “The Spirited Child”, there are nine temperamental traits, Intensity,Persistence,Sensitivity,Perceptiveness, Adaptability, Regularity, Energy,First Reaction and Mood.
There are also 2 main overarching categories of how people gain their energy from the world, whether they are an Extrovert or Introvert.
Most experts agree that when we talk about trying to understand a child’s personality you need to first talk about how people gain energy from the world. That means whether they are an EXTROVERT or an INTROVERT.
Extroverts comprise 75% of the American population. They gain their energy by being with other people. They like to talk to people, they like a lot of feedback, and they need people to help them think through their problems. They love parties and they find it exhausting to be alone.
To sum it up we can look at the information this way:
Extrovert-75% of US Population (Sheedy Kurcinka, 2006)
• Likes variety and action
• Loves and needs to be around people
• Good at communicating
• Likes cocktail parties
• Wants to share ideas and experiences immediately
Over the next few weeks as we discuss each temperament we will try to gain an understanding of how our children work, learn what triggers their bad behavior, and help to manage the feelings that overwhelm them. Knowing a child’s temperament, in this case an extroverted child, can help us engage our children’s cooperation in a way that truly takes their personality, their strengths and weaknesses into account. Instead of finding their tough behavior frustrating we can view their actions in more positive ways. Here is how it works:
If your child is an extrovert:
Triggers for Bad Behavior:
Extrovert children will become frustrated when they have no playmates with whom to play or talk. They do not like being alone and get bored easily.
Managing children’s Feelings:
To help them understand their personality and what they need, extroverts can be told:
“You like to talk things over when making a decision.”
“You like talking to people and making friends.”
“You get bored when no one is around.”
To engage their cooperation:
• They work well in groups
• Take them out to new places.
• Teach them telephone etiquette and how to initiate, maintain (turn taking, eye contact, listening) and terminate conversations.
Praise
Extroverts need a lot of feedback and positive reinforcement from the people around them.
“Wow – you were able to figure out the pros and cons of going on vacation to your Grandma’s versus staying home with friends. You talked it out and came up with a solution.”
Freeing Children from Roles:
They need to be freed from negative labels. We can use more positive labels to describe them:
Big mouth/Expressive
Loud/ Can Project
Bossy/Leader
Nosy/ Caring
You can also let your child overhear you say something positive about them:
Mother to Father: “Linda told me exactly when she should use her indoor voice and her outdoor voice.”
If you, the parent are an extrovert, you need to make sure get out and be with your friends. You also might have a hard time one on one with each child and you might find that you need to recharge by being around a lot of people.
Understanding what it means to be an extrovert will help us understand our kids and ourselves. It will also help us discipline more effectively and connect with our children in deeper ways.
Stay tuned for our next article on our Introverted Kids!
References:
Sheedy Kurcinka, M. (2003). Raising Your Spirited Child Workbook. NY. Harper Collins.
Sheedy Kurcinka, M. (2006). Raising Your Spirited Child. NY. Harper Collins.
Faber, A., Mazlish, E. (1999). How To Talk So Kids Will Listen. NY: Harper Collins.