Children ask a lot of “Why” questions. Children can use “Why” questions to gain information of the world around them and to satisfy their curiousity. They can also use “Why” questions to let you know that they are worried. They can say, “Why do I have to go to the dentist?”
Kids can also use “Why” questions as a way to wiggle out of the limits parents set for them. They can say,
- “Why do I have to write these thank you notes? Why should I do something I don’t want to do!”
- “Why can’t you buy me these jeans? Why do I have to wear these old ones?”
When my kids ask me these type of “Why” questions I get confused. I start to think, “Hmm, they have a good point, why can’t they stay up?, Do they really have to write thank you notes? Should she really have to wear old jeans, maybe I am being unfair, maybe it is really time for new ones?”
It just goes to show that “Why” questions sometimes are effective in getting parents to change their mind and retract the rules that they have set for their kids. Kids know it. They love a good debate and some kids can argue for hours, using “Why” questions ceaselessly.These type of “Why” questions force us parents into a position where we need to explain ourself and come up with logical explanations for our every rule. It can wear down the resistance of the most stalwart parent.
The best way parents can stick to their rules even in the face of “Why” questions is to reflect your child’s feelings and gently turn the question back to them:
You can say,
- “It sounds like your annoyed with having to write thank you notes, why do you think I think it is so important?”
- “You are wishing you can get those jeans. Why do you think I am saying no?”
This technique is a gentle way to let kids know that you are not backing down and you are going to stick to your rules. Most parenting experts have found that kids feel more safe and secure when parents are firm about limits they set. Although kids will fight long and hard, they do not want to lose these arguments. When kids see that you mean business they will learn to stop fighting the family rules.
Another benefit of this approach is that asking a child, “Why” questions requires kids to think why rules are important. It actually reinforces the rules in their minds. Kids will take your answer seriously and will be better able to cooperate. They will stop their arguing and comply more readily.
Let us know what you think.
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