3 Simple Ways To Raise Good Kids

Parenting in this day and age is tough. Many parents wonder if it’s possible to raise good kids or if it’s just a losing battle. As a parent educator and coach, I often hear complaints like these from parents:

• My kids are always misbehaving!
• My kids are so irresponsible!
• My kids act all entitled!
• My children are so impatient! They want everything and they want it right away!

I encourage them to remember that they’re still kids. They are still learning how to behave. They are going to act irresponsibly because they haven’t learned how to be responsible yet. They are going to act entitled because they have not learned how to restrain their impulses. They have no self-control because their brain has not fully developed, they actually don’t have the brakes that adults have that help us control our behavior and act patiently.

Good behavior is learned. Kids need to LEARN how to be good and what it means to be a moral, ethical, upstanding person. That’s why kids have us, their parents. We’re the ones who need to teach kids to act responsibly, restrain their impulses, and put the brakes on bad behavior. And in the meantime we are going to see lots of pretty awful behavior. It’s a part of childhood and is perfectly normal!

So as parents we need to ask ourselves some questions:

• My kids are so irresponsible, how do I teach my kids to be responsible?
• My kids act all entitled. How do I teach them to be grateful?
• My children have no self-control. How do I teach them patience?

Which is really 3 questions bundled into one. How do I raise a good kid?

Be a Positive Role Model

We all know that parenting is one of the toughest jobs, but there is hope. There is one simple thing that we can do to encourage good, mature behavior in our kids. We need to become positive role models. Michael C. Bradley, in his book, “Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy”, assures parents that your morals, values and ethics become an integral part of your child’s psychological makeup. If you’ve been teaching good values to your children, those values will stay with them throughout their lives. During adolescence it may seem like they’ve forgotten much of what you’ve taught them but those priniciples are still there and will reappear in time.

Keep on being a positive role model and there’s an excellent chance  that your child will grow up to be just like you.

Authentically Communicate Your Values 

As we mentioned above, we as parents need to live our lives as good people if we want our children to be grow up to be good people as well. It would also benefit children if they can hear what our values are. But we need to be careful. We somehow feel that the best way to teach our kids is through lecturing and admonishments or we sometimes even deride their choices to get our point across.

For example, when we lecture our kids we might say: “You know you need to listen and follow the rules in our house. Society has rules for a reason. It is important that we abide by these rules etc.”

When we admonish our kids we might say: “How could you lie about your homework? What were you thinking?”

When we deride our kids choices, we might say: “All you watch on TV are garbage shows. You should watch educational television. That will help expand your knowledge!”

Instead we want to try stating our beliefs and values in a non-confrontational manner using “I” statements:

• “I believe that rules are important to help our home run smoothly.”
• “I believe that homework should be done in a timely fashion.”
• “I believe that educational TV shows help me expand my knowledge of the world.”

When we talk about ourselves and what we believe in, we make a big impression on our kids. They can hear our viewpoints about what behavior makes a good person, clearly and succinctly. These simple “I” statements seem benign, but kids can hear us without feeling that they have to defend themselves or be pushed into an opinion that they might not share.

Notice the Good Behavior

As parents we are so anxious that our children behave appropriately that we notice all of our children’s bad behavior and we point it out to them.

• “You forgot to feed the dog again.”
• “You need to say thank you when I give you a snack.”
• “Stop grabbing the toys!”

Children need positive attention from their parents. If they don’t get positive attention from us they will settle for negative attention and probably go elsewhere to look for it. We often spend more time and energy talking and attending to children when they misbehave and then we don’t acknowledge their positive or even neutral behavior. But when we do this, we’re inadvertently reinforcing their negative behavior. To reinforce their good behavior, it makes more psychological sense to focus on their positive behavior and point it out to them:

To teach them to be responsible, praise them at a time when they act responsible:

“Our puppy wanted to go out for a walk and you took him. That’s called being responsible!”

To teach them to be grateful, praise them at a time when they act grateful:

“You remembered to say “Thank you” to Sam’s Mom when she gave you a snack.”

To teach them to self-control, praise them at a time when they act patient:

“You are being patient while we wait for our turn here at the shoe store.”

What about the times we need to admonish our kids? Make sure to start off positively and end off in a positive way.

“I know you love to take the dogs on walks, you have been very responsible about that. Feeding the dog is your job. I know you will figure out a way to do remember to do that. If you need help figuring out let me know. I know you want to make sure that Fido stays healthy and safe.”

Raising good kids is a touch job, but with some intention it can be done. Role modeling, sharing our values in a non-confrontational manner and praising our kids good behavior can all help.

Want to go deeper and invest in developing your parenting skills?  Adina’s Parenting Simply Foundations Workshop is a great place to start!