Don’t: Do:
Parents are always wondering how to handle kids when they complain or when they express their negative feelings. It’s hard watching our kids struggle. Our initial reaction is to jump in, make them feel better and fix their problems. Unfortunately that is not what our kids need from us. What they need is some encouragement and empathy. When we respond in this way we teach kids that they can handle frustration and disappointment on their own. In other words, we help them develop a resilient mindset.
This is how it works:
If your child says:
“I can’t do this research paper!”
Don’t try to fix it: “You should complain to the teacher, maybe I will give him a call.You should not have to do this ridiculous assignment.”
Don’t try to make him feel better: “It is not so bad, once you get started it will be real easy!”
Don’t try to save him: “I will help you.I am really good at science.”
Instead you can try the following:
Empathize by just listening and reflecting: “You seem concerned about your schoolwork. You sound apprehensive.”
Give them their wishes in fantasy: “You are wishing you didn’t have to do this report.” “You wish research papers weren’t so time consuming.”
Empathize and gently ask them their plans: “Sounds rough, did you have some thoughts on how you can get organized?”
Here is another example:
If your child says:
“ My friends are so mean, they told me to go home!”
Don’t try to fix it: “I am calling their parents right now and telling them their kids are obnoxious!”
Don’t try to make her feel better: “Don’t listen to them; you are wonderful!”
Don’t try to save her: “You don’t need them. I will play with you. What game do you want to play?”
Instead you can try the following:
Empathize by listening and reflecting their feelings:
“You sound like you had a rough, rough day with your friends!To be told to go home can hurt so much!”
Give them their wishes in fantasy: “You wish they wouldn’t talk to you that way!”
Empathize and ask her what her plan is: “You sound so sad, what do you think you can do now to help you get through this?”
When we respond in this way, we show our children that we care. More important, we demonstrate that we have faith in their ability to take care of themselves and solve their everyday problems with a little encouragement and empathy.
Faber, A., Mazlish, E. (1999). How To Talk So Kids Will Listen. NY: Harper Collins.