Post By Guest Blogger:
Harriet Cabelly
There’s been lots of talk recently circulating on the topic of parenting. Dr. Madeline Levine came out with her new book, “Teach Your Children Well” and it’s garnishing tremendous praise as well as hitting the New York Times bestseller list. The subtitle is, “Why Values and Coping Skills Matter More Than Grades, Trophies, or ‘Fat Envelopes’”.
To me this is the crux of it all. We’ve lost sight of what truly matters when it comes to raising our kids towards a successful life.
We’ve also lost our way in parenting. Somewhere in between helicopter parenting and negligent parenting lies ‘balanced’ parenting. This is not an official term; it’s simply mine right now until a better one is coined. And by the way, the overly involved, micro- managing {helicopter} parent can be permissive as well where there are few to no limits enforced and no consequences reaped.
There needs to be a dance of:
Being there and stepping back
Setting limits and allowing them to reap the consequences of their actions
Helping them and allowing them to struggle
Protecting them and allowing them to fall and fail
If we are to buy into the idea that success encompasses way more than high number values –grades and money- then we will parent towards the attributes that go into building strong character strengths which will enable success without or beyond the big numbers. Feelings of competency, self-pride and self-worth go a long way in contributing to society by serving others, being compassionate, responsible and accountable and maintaining one’s values in an ever-changing world. And perhaps the biggest challenge – being able to stand back up again when disappointment and adversity knock us down. This involves having the coping skills and resiliency to do just that. We must parent towards these goals so that our children can stand tall and solid as the redwood tree, firmly rooted in the ground and reaching high open, prepared and eager to engage with the world, with life.
Over-parenting cripples our children as they gain no sense of competency and mastery when we run in to rescue them from every fall-out. There is only enhanced dependency which is the exact opposite of what we want for our kids.
Negligence leaves our children with little structure, predictability and security. They’re a ship without an anchor, bobbing along. But this is an obvious one.
It’s the micro-managing parenting that is the discussion at large because it has become a sweeping trend, set out with good intentions but yielding some not too good results. Poor coping skills, a strong sense of entitlement, lack of responsibility, high incidences of depression and anxiety, lack of interest and direction are all indicators that something is amiss here. Our kids are being ill-prepared to meet life because we’re doing it all for them. There is little growth in the area of social-emotional health. The focus needs to be as much in this area as in the academic pressure cooker. Not everyone is brilliant or great in school but that does not preclude being successful.
A question is posed in Dr. Levine’s book, “Would you rather your child was smart or good?” Take some time to think about this.
I leave you now with a question: what are you doing for your child that he/she can be doing for him/herself?
Harriet Cabelly is a social worker and life coach emphasizing living life to its fullest and creating a good life out of (or despite) adversity. Read more about her at RebuildYourLifeCoach.com and read the latest from her blog.
Harriet is also a parent coach and facilitates many parenting workshops. She is passionate about empowering parents to be the best they can be. “We only get 18 years to ‘technically’ raise our kids. Let’s parent in the most conscious and reflective way possible.”