As I mentioned before, I am working on a CEU course on how to develop resilience in children. The latest information that I have gleaned from my research is this:
Different people have different reactions to stress and adversity. Why is it that one person who is stuck on a long line in the grocery store will get angry complain and make faces, while another person will just stew and become anxious about being late? There are also people who react quite calmly, grab a magazine to read and wait patiently.
Most research claims that our reactions are based on our thoughts about the specific stressful situation. Everyone may have different beliefs about the cause of the adversity- which sets off your reaction.
Dr. Albert Ellis created the ABC model to explain individuals reactions to stress and adversity:
A is the adversity- situation or event
B is the belief- the way we explain why the situation happened
C is the consequence the feelings and behaviors our belief causes
Here is an example of how this works:
Kayla graduated from 8th grade and her school had a huge ceremony where everyone was invited. Kayla’s grandmother bought her a nice gift. Sara, Kayla’s sister, graduated from middle school, but the ceremony was done in school during class time and it was only for the students. Sara’s mother bought her a small gift, but her grandmother did not. Sara was very upset and told her mother that Grandma is mean and nobody cares about her, they only care about Kayla. When her grandmother came to visit, Sara stayed in her room.
The ABC in this scenario is :
Adversity: Did not get a gift from her grandmother
Belief: Grandma is mean, no one cares about me
Consequences: feels sad and angry, yells at her Mom and stays in her room when her Grandmother visited
What if Sara had a different reaction? She could have thought:
“I am disappointed that I did not get a gift from Grandma. Grandma usually remembers to buy me gifts. She probably did not know that I graduated because she was not invited to the small ceremony. Maybe I will tell her the next time I see her all about it. I am going to get into my comfy pajamas now and watch some TV.”
In this situation the adversity “A” remains the same: Sara did not get the gift. But “B”, the belief is different, Sara thought that Grandma did not get her a gift because she did not know about the graduation because she was not invited. In this case, the “C”, consequences, are different, Sara went and did something that helped her feel more positive about her day.
Understanding the connection in the ABC model can help us develop key resilient abilities like emotional regulation, impulse control, causal analysis and empathy.
When we think of an adverse event, it is helpful to:
- Identify the adversity. Try to describe the event objectively and answer these questions: Who? What? Where? Then?
- Record you thoughts about the event. Why do you think it happened?
- Record your feelings and actions.
In this way we can start using the ABC model for ourselves in helping us overcome our adversity and ultimately help our children.
Adapted from www.reachinginreachingout.com