Dear Adina,
I received a phone call from my daughter’s teacher telling me that she has been disrespectful in class. This is the first time this happened. My husband and I were really angry. What can we do so this does not happen again?
It is really tough when a kid is being disrespectful to their teachers. It is important for kids to have a healthy regard for authority figures. We take it pretty seriously in our home when this happens.
That being said, when trying to discipline a child and help them improve their behavior we need to remain calm. We can also take a break and then return to the problem at hand when we are calm. In that way we can take the emotion out of incident, define the problem and then look for a solution.
Right now it sounds as if the problem is: My kid was disrespectful to her teacher. She needs to learn to act respectfully.
So what can we do to teach our kids to be respectful to their teachers?
1. REFLECT ON YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR:
Are you respectful to your spouse, your children your parents ? Does your child have enough role modeling of respectful speech? Children cannot be respectful naturally they need to be taught (and the best way is through role modeling).
2. SPEAK TO THEM ABOUT THE INCIDENT CALMLY AND FIND OUT HER PERSPECTIVE:
“We received a phone call from your teacher. This is what she told us (relay the incident in a non-judgmental manner). We know you can be respectful- so we are surprised (even if you are not). We want to hear your side of the story.”
3. TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS:
“When I get a call from a teacher, I get very upset, this is a very serious matter.”
“Being disrespectful to a teacher is something Daddy and I feel very strongly about”
Focus on this incident, do not bring up other times she has had problems with teachers.
4. GIVE HER A POSITIVE PICTURE OF HERSELF, REMIND OF HER OF TIMES SHE WAS RESPECTFUL:
“ I have seen you be respectful before. You always make sure not to sit in Daddy’s seat. The other day when I stubbed my toe you came right over to check if I was okay, that is all respectful behavior.”
5. SHOW HER WAYS TO MAKE AMENDS:
“What can you do to make sure the teacher knows that you are sorry?”
“What can you do in the future to make sure this does not happen again?”
6. IF SHE DENIES IT:
“ It wasn’t my fault”
“She is such a dumb teacher anyway”
“She is always picking on me, Shana did the same thing yesterday and she didn’t get in trouble.”
“It can be hurtful to feel like a teacher is picking on you. It can also be confusing if she lets another student talk to her in a way that you think is disrespectful and not say anything. It can seem unfair. I am glad you told this to me,
BUT: DO NOT GET SIDETRACKED, JUST REFOCUS HER TO HOW SHE WILL TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIS PROBLEM:
“NEVERTHELESS, a call from a teacher is a serious matter. A teacher perceiving what you did as disrespecful is something that needs to be addressed. I am sure you can find a way to fix this.”
You can let her vent for as long as you can take it. Remember, many people blame others or make excuses as a way to silence their inner conscience. They know they have done something wrong but just can’t face up to it. The calmer you are the easier it will be for her to hear her conscience. When parents lecture and moralize they drown that out. Just keep on redirecting her calmly to what she did wrong and emphasize that she can take care of it.
You can also say:
“It sounds like you need some time to think about your responsibility in all this”
“Should we take a break and talk about this tomorrow?”
Your underlying message is you can do this. You can right a wrong. Teach them to trust their intuition and listen to their inner moral compass.
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Ready, Set, Go: Start The School Year Off Right!