Dear Adina,
My daughter plays with a few girls on our block. Inevitably after an hour of playing time something happens that upsets her. Usually they can’t agree on a game to play together or they argue over how the make-believe scenario should unfold. She comes to me crying and says, “No one ever wants to play with me. She doesn’t like me. Why doesn’t anybody like me?” I try to console her and tell her that everybody likes her and she is being overly sensitive. It just makes her more upset. What can I do in this situation?
Thanks for your question.
The most effective parenting skill that you can use in all situations is to reflect your daughter’s feelings. Don’t reason with her or try to make her feel better, just empathize.
Instead of saying something like:
“ Of course she likes you- you are being silly- just because you had a little fight doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you, everybody likes you!”
Reflect Feelings:
“When someone doesn’t want to play the same game, to you it feels as if they don’t like you, and even though you know that good friends sometimes fight it, just makes you feel so bad!”
“You wish you didn’t feel so hurt when you and your friend disagree on a game”
“You really want to play this game and when you want to play a game so badly that needs 2 people it is so frustrating when you friend doesn’t want to play”
“I know you don’t feel this right now and you are so sad and might not want to hear it,
you should know that your friends can like you even though they don’t want to play the same game.”
“Sometimes when you want to play something so badly it is so hard to imagine that your friend might not want to play the same thing”
“It feels so tough and hurtful right now. I don’t know if you want to hear this but just for the future, you might want to know, that all good friends have fights and have trouble getting along. Everyone needs a break now and then.”
After reflecting her feelings for a bit you can then gently ask her to come up with some solutions to her problem. This will empower her. It gives her the message that difficulties can be managed with a little bit of problem solving. It would be helpful if you reframed the problem for her in emotionally neutral terms with lots of empathy.
Instead of:
“Why can’t you just get along and figure out how to play nicely? Why does everything have to be a fight?”
Encourage problem solving:
“So you want to play with dolls and Lizzie wants to play with the dress ups. Two kids who want to play 2 different things. This is a tricky problem. Can you guys think of any solutions?”
“Oh no! Lizzie wants to go home. You are having trouble figuring out how to play together. Nothing seems to be working out right for you guys today. Before you go home Lizzie, can you think of anyway you both can compromise and figure out a way to play with each other?”
Reflecting feelings and encouraging problem solving are just two of the many skills we can use to parent our children more effectively.
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Can’t wait to see you there!
Adina