Sibling rivalry is the never ending competition or animosity that goes on between siblings. It happens to all of us, even in the very best of homes. Even though we know it’s common, it is very hard to listen to and can be really stressful.I know that it can get under my skin even when I am in the best of moods.
It’s important to remember that although fighting is normal, many times parents can exacerbate the problem. also know that although fighting is normal, we as parents can sometimes exacerbate the problem.
One of the ways that we do this is by using an accusing tone with them.
Arguing over the bathroom
“Why do you guys always have to fight over the bathroom? Mommy and I share a bathroom and we don’t fight. Why can’t you do the same thing?”
Fighting over your attention
“Why do you always have to fight over who sits on my lap? Why can’t you just take turns? This is too silly!
Doing their chores
Why can’t you just do what I tell you to do? You guys always complain. Each one of you say that you are the only one who has to do jobs around here. Now, how can that be true?!”
When we are dealing with kids and their siblings, we don’t want to condemn or blame. It is better if we help them focus on solutions to their problems instead. To do that we need to respectfully name the issue and ask them questions that will move them towards compromise and resolutions.
For example:
- You guys are having trouble figuring out how to share the bathroom. You both need to leave at 8 am. You don’t want to have to wake up earlier just for him and you want to be able to take as long as you want in the bathroom. You both don’t want to be rushed. This is a tough problem. How can we figure something out?
- You both want my attention at the same time. You both want to sit on my lap. This is really tough. Two children and one lap, What can we do?
- It sounds like both of you don’t want to do your jobs. You both are feeling like you have to do too much. Each one of you feels that you have to do more than the other. How can we make this feel fair to both of you?
Moving children from fighting to peace takes a lot of effort. Seeing your kids come up with solutions to their problems makes it all worthwhile.
To help your kids get along and learn more great skills like these, grab my Sibling Rivalry 2.0 course today!
3 Responses
I’m using your awesome tips when my twins (both have autism and turn 5 next week) with minor sibling rivalry issues. If both kids can remain calm enough to communicate effectively, I’m able to use a lot of these mainstream solutions. I enjoy being on your email list and when time permits one of these um, years…. I’d like to participate in one of your groups.
But what about when both kids feed off the other to the extent that it becomes an all out screaming/biting/kicking/hitting fiasco?
I seem to have a sibling rivalry issue that most of my friends with neurotypical kids don’t experience.
Both my kids have autism—- they’re both quick to anger and their anger is incredibly intense— I have a lot of tools to handle each of them, but handling both of them TOGETHER leaves me confused and frustrated. I can get my boy twin out of a temper tantrum using certain occupational therapy tools and pecs and social stories…. and I can get my girl twin out of a temper tantrum by ignoring her and leaving the room (only works at home).
So at HOME, I separate them as much as possible— I give my boy a break from his sister when he needs it. I TRY to calm him down while he’s in the same room with her but if he keeps running at her with his teeth baring and she keeps screaming because she’s terrified which makes him run at her even faster, ok— I remove him. Five minutes later they love each other again.
But out and about when I’m alone with both of them, I’m really having a lot of trouble and it seems to be sibling rivalry/ jealousy related. She always starts it. She flops down on the floor and refuses to move. If he’s not with us, I simply lift all 50 pounds of her, plop her in a stroller and hightail it out of wherever we are— a meltdown is about to start and I know it. But as SOON as she pulls this EVEN if I don’t react at all even to calmly say “please get up, we’re going now”, he goes ballistic and turns into the tazmanian devil. If I show him a PEC, he bites it. If I try to lift her into the stroller, he bites her. If I take my eyes off him for a moment, he bites a stranger. So I TRY to focus my attention on him when she pulls this to keep him from causing major problems…… but as soon as I ignore her, she starts screaming and crying and carrying on— so I calmly tell her “please get up, you’re getting in the stoller and we’re going home”. She just lies there screaming. I have to hold onto him or he’s going to bite. He screams louder because she’s crying louder. She’s crying louder because he’s screaming louder. It’s bad enough at walmart or the mall, but this happens at the library too. If I try to stand there waiting it out, it gets worse and worse and worse—- my daughter and I both still have scars from when my son bit us months ago. So I have to handle it ASAP and it’s getting tougher and tougher.
His special ed teacher gave us a fold up mini hula hoop and laminated social story to take with us on outings and we’re practicing him sitting in it at home to keep his safe space— if his sister is upset, let mommy deal with her— you can sit in your circle and look at your story…… he can practice with it, but when she flops down and refuses to move and we’re out in public and I’m in charge of both of them and all heck breaks loose…… well, it doesn’t work.
Our rep from the board of developmental disabilities’ suggestion is that I don’t take BOTH of them out with me most places— but the supports department isn’t giving us enough respite funds for me to leave a kid home with a sitter everytime I need to run an errand.
I wondered if you had any thoughts about sibling rivalry in public and sibling rivalry when it gets super nasty and you only have two hands, and sibling rivalry that feeds on itself and makes a vicious cycle. I know my story is unusual, but I’m not the only person I know who needs to be able to go out with multiple behaviorally challenged children.
Thanks!
Thank you for your question.
It sounds like you have excellent techniques that you use at home. I would love to hear more about the OT skills and the social stories that you use.
I know it might be frustrating to hear, but at this time going out with both your children seems to be too much. I know that there were times in my life where my kids were too much to handle out of the house and we just stayed home. Shopping was only done when my spouse came home or when a family member volunteered to babysit.
Are there any other resources in your town that you can tap into?
I would also try to continue to practice at home with the mini- hula hoop and social story and see if eventually it carry’s over to situations in public.
I wish I had more to add.
Let me know if there are any other ways, I can help.
Adina
Hello,
I have been receiving your emails for quite some time. Unfortunately, I do not have much time to spend reading your insightful tips…
With that said, I am in need of a little direction regarding my oldest daughter.
She and her sister have been moved to a different school and I believe she is having a hard time dealing with the many changes this transition has brought. I find that her frustration level is super high and she tends to scream her thoughts, and is crying far more then she ever has.
My heart is breaking for her. My husband and I are trying to help her deal by remaining calm and talking with her to help her deal with all that is going on. New teacher, new friends, loss of her old friends, different language (she used to attend a French school), a bigger school, new rules…I am sure you get the picture. There is also the fact that I am attending a full time college program and cannot volunteer at the school as often as I have in the past.
I know she is stressed…I was hoping you could suggest some tips to help her with this big change in her young life? She just turned 7 in September.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, and I am looking forward to hearing from you!
Take care,
Broken heart
P.S. My youngest is dealing with the change with more ease…I am sure this is a combination of age and her personality.