My kids fight about a lot of things, who gets the last cookie, which video to watch, who gets the bathroom, who won their basketball game, etc. etc. etc. I am pretty used to it, but the kind of fighting that really bothers me is the one where they will continue to act in a way just to purposely annoy their siblings.
I know that this is pretty normal behavior for most kids. Kids love to know that they have power over their siblings or even their contemporaries and that is why they do this. It is as if they are saying:
“If I do this, she will get really annoyed and that is fun for me, because I am the one pulling the strings. She is a puppet in my hands.”
The scenario in my home usually goes something like this:
L. starts singing.
C. says: “Will you stop singing!”
This is the response that perks L’s interest. Up until now, he might not even have noticed he was singing but now he has annoyed his brother and he can use this innocent little past time to annoy him further. So L. just ramps it up, moves closer to C. and sings even louder. He has now entered the power trip mode: “Look what I can do to annoy him. This is so much fun.”
It just gets worse from there:
C: “Stop singing- you are such a wierdo! You have the worst voice ever.”
L. continues to kick it up a notch-moves in even closer, sings in C.’s ear and starts to dance.
C: You are the worst! You better stop singing!
This is the point where I usually get frustrated and I intervene. I try to keep my cool, talk about myself, be non-judgmental, reflect their feelings and move them towards reconciliation. (Good luck to me!)
Talking about myself:
Me: “Okay guys, this is getting to loud for me!”
Being non-judgmental and reflecting feelings:
“C. you want him to stop singing, it is annoying you.”
” L. you would like to sing and now even dance, wherever you want.”
I take some time for rebuttals and subsequently reflect their feelings again, trying not to make any judgments:
C.: “Yeh, he is so annoying- he is singing in my ear- I was here first!”
Me: “The singing is really bothering you and you feel that since you were here first L. should not be singing where you are sitting.”
L: “I am only singing. I can sing wherever I want.”
Me: “And you think you should be able to sing in any room in the house.”
(This is the short version- the rebuttals can go on for a bit!)
Then I try to help them see the other’s perspective, give a short lesson in what motivates human behavior and make a suggestion on how they can improve their behavior:
To L., I say:
“L. I am sure you can imagine that when someone is reading quietly, it can be annoying to have someone sing in their ear. When someone finds something you are doing annoying, it is polite to stop.”
To C., (making sure L. is in earshot)
“C. you need to know this about your brother and probably most kids, if you ask them to do something, like to stop their annoying behavior, you have to be really nice and gentle about it. Even then, once they know they are annoying you, for some reason they like to do it more. Instead of talking to them and yelling at them, you might want to move away, go into another room or get earplugs.”
And then for good measure I let them know my expectations:
“In our family, I expect that when you find out that you are annoying someone you act kindly and stop. I also expect that when someone is annoying you, you ask them politely to stop without name calling. It makes it easier for everyone to live together.”
To help them move towards reconciliation, I say something like:
“I know you can figure out a way to work this out! Can you figure this out fast because I am up to a really good part in my book and I would like to get back to it.”
At that point they usually get the picture and move on. Sometimes the peace lasts a week and sometimes only a day. Such is the life of a parent, even parent educators…
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