Most siblings fight. It is the way of the world. Think of Cain and Abel, Isaac and Ishmael, Joseph and his brothers. Enough of a history lesson – what can we do as parents?
Our jobs as parents is not to stop the fighting, it is just to slowly, gently and sometimes painfully move them along to resolve their conflicts, and come up with solutions. It is a painstaking process but it can be done.
A good idea is to talk about solutions, and how important it is to look for solutions as a matter of course in your home:
“I had a real problem, the washing machine was broken and I had a ton of wash to do so I thought of a solution- I would call the neighbor and ask to use her washing machine”
“The baby was crying because she was teething and then I forgot all about the chicken in the oven, it was totally burnt. I had to think quickly because it was almost dinner. I had a great solution- hot dogs for dinner!”
“Right now I am too upset to think of a solution of how to manage this problem- after I give myself a little time to think- hopefully I will come up with something, or I can ask a friend for help….”
We also can acknowledge children’s feelings and empower them to think of solutions:
For younger children:
“Oh no, your favorite sweater is in the wash! You sound so upset- it’s a good thing that in this family we focus on solutions, I am sure you will be able to think of something”
For older children:
“Your favorite sweater is in the wash! Right when you really needed it! Give yourself a minute to think- I am sure you’ll be able to come up with some sort of solution!”
We also want to praise children descriptively for coming up with their own solutions:
For younger children:
“I was busy cooking and couldn’t stop, so you thought of a solution, you took the chair to the counter and got the paper towel all by yourself.”
For older children:
“I am glad you figured out a solution on how to get your chores done and your homework done before your baseball game”
“You organized your friends to go back and forth to the pizza store on their bikes. It was a great solution- when most of the parents, including me, were not available to give rides.”
You want the word “solution” to be part of your family lexicon.
It will then be easier to incorporate it matter of factly when you are managing sibling problems.
Do you have a hard time managing the sibling rivalry in your home? You can get our audios here: