Dear Adina,
I have two daughters very close in age, about a year apart. The younger one, Sara, adores her older sister and copies everything she does, her hair, her clothing, what she reads, etc. She loves to play with her and her friends. Rachel the older one, wants nothing to do Sara. She ignores her when she is with her friends, calls her names, and is just plain mean. Sara gets so hurt but still thinks the world of Rachel.
This breaks my heart. I have told Rachel over and over to “just be nice to Sara!” to no avail. Then she gets mad at me. What can I do to help Rachel be nicer to Sara?
Sibling rivalry is tough to watch and tough to manage. Just so you know, there are many things that you can do to help kids get along, but you will never fully get rid of sibling rivalry. It is a normal and natural part of family life.
In this particular sibling drama try to understand that the “mean” child is not acting this way because she is a bad person. It is tough to handle the adoration of a younger sibling, especially when that sibling copies everything you do. To get a clearer picture of this situation try to put yourself in Rachel’s shoes.
Let’s say you had a neighbor, Sima. She seems like a nice person and you strike up a friendship with her. Then you notice that she is wearing the same shoes that you had just bought and went to your hairdresser and got the same hairstyle as you. Whenever your friends come over to your house, she shows up and tries to command the conversation.
In some ways your neighbor’s behavior can be flattering, she likes you and your sense of style. It is more likely though, that you would be annoyed with her. You would limit the time you spent with her. You would leave her out and meet your friends at the local coffee shop instead of your home. You probably wouldn’t call her names to her face, but you certainly would complain about her to your friends and your spouse.
Rachel, the “mean” sister, feels the same way you do; she is dealing with an “adoring” younger sister, similar to Sima your “adoring” neighbor. It might be flattering, but mostly it’s just plain annoying. Rachel looks like she is the “mean” one, but she is just frustrated. It can be tiresome to be an object of adoration and to have your every action copied by a younger sister.
How is Rachel coping with all this? In the same way, we would deal with Sima the neighbor. Rachel avoids Sara as much as possible, talks badly about her to her friends and Sara’s face (she is a sister, not a neighbor after all) and she doesn’t let Sara play with her friends.
To continue with the analogy, let’s say, Sima’s husband comes to you and tells you that Sima is very hurt by your behavior. He tells you that she just thinks the world of you. He ends off by saying, “Can’t you just be nice to her?”
Now, you would probably feel awful about yourself, but also even more irritated with Sima and her husband. There is no relief in sight for you, unless you move.
When you tell Rachel how mean she is and say “Can’t you just be nice to her?” she probably feels terrible about her behavior. It’s not fun to be the “mean” one. But she also will be angry at you, she needs help sorting through her feelings, not criticism. She also needs some strategies to deal with this problem. The strategies she is using, calling Sara names, avoiding her, and not letting her play with her friends, are not working out well for her.
Now we understand both sides of the story. We can have as much compassion for Rachel as we do for Sara. We have evened the playing field. So now what can we do to help Rachel be nice to Sara? How can we help her sort out her feelings and gain better strategies to deal with the frustration of dealing with an “adoring” sister?
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