In our last post, we discussed the phenomena of the “mean” sister in response to one Mom’s question:
Dear Adina,
I have two daughters very close in age, about a year apart. The younger one, Sara, adores her older sister and copies everything she does, her hair, her clothing, what she reads, etc. She loves to play with her and her friends. Rachel the older one, wants nothing to do Sara. She ignores her when she is with her friends, calls her names, and is just plain mean. Sara gets so hurt but still thinks the world of Rachel.
This breaks my heart. I have told Rachel over and over to “just be nice to Sara!” to no avail. Then she gets mad at me. What can I do to help Rachel be nicer to Sara?
We saw that if we put ourselves in Rachel’s shoes then we would be able to understand her feelings, and why she acts so “mean.”
What else can we do to help Rachel and Sara get along?
1. Name the feelings for Rachel
As we mentioned, just gaining an understanding of Rachel’s side of the story allows us to have compassion for Rachel and acknowledge that she is not “mean”.
You can then reflect Rachel’s feelings to her:
“It can be frustrating to have Sara copy what you do…”
“You wish Sara would let you hang out with your friends by yourself.”
Just having a Mom who appreciates how she feels can reduce the tension significantly. Rachel might even soften towards Sara, once she has someone who understands her conflicted feelings.
2. Find some other interests for Sara
You can also let Sara know gently that it can be hard to be the younger sibling:
“It can be hard to make your own decision when you look up to your sister. You like to have Rachel’s input when deciding on your clothes, and how you should spend your day.”
You can also let Sara know that sometimes it is tough for Rachel to have someone look up to her always:
“You know Sara, I think Rachel would like to do her own thing sometimes. Sometimes it feels good to have someone look up to you, but sometimes you need a break. Sometimes Rachel needs to play with her friends alone.”
Try to encourage Sara to make her own decisions when Rachel is not around:
“Sara, what do you think we should make for dinner, chicken or fish?”
“Sara, do you think I should wear this necklace or this pin with this outfit?
You can then praise her for it, (again, preferably when Rachel is not around.)
“Thanks for making the decisions about dinner. The chicken was a good choice, everyone enjoyed it.”
“I got so many compliments on my outfit tonight- thanks for your advice!”
3. Notice when Rachel controls herself with Sara
“When Sara was talking to your friend, I saw you were annoyed, but instead of saying anything to Sara, you just suggested to your friend that you would study better at her house.”
You can also have Rachel hear something positive about herself, you can tell your spouse:
“It has got to be hard for Rachel sometimes. Younger siblings can be tiresome. I remember that when I was a kid. Rachel can be kind and patient. She let Sara wear her sweater today.”
4. Role Model
It might also be helpful to role model how you act when someone copies you:
“I was so irritated with Sima our neighbor, she bought the same shoes that I did. But then I realized I probably should just be flattered that she liked them so much, that she went out to get them.”
Sibling Rivalry can be one of the toughest problems parents have. If you want to learn more ways to deal with Sibling Rivalry in my course, Sibling Rivalry 2.0.