Dear Adina,
My 2-year-old girl, Miki, told me that she doesn’t want to share her toys with a baby. She has not been sharing anything with the baby. She grabs toys from the baby’s hands too. I have asked her why and she could not explain her reasons. What should I do?
Thanks so much for your question.
Young children often have a hard time when there is a new baby in the house. As parents we so badly want our kids to get along so we overlook how the older child might feel.
Most older kids are jealous of the new baby, they think their position in the family has been usurped. Kids want our exclusive attention and when they need to share it, they feel put out. But a new baby also brings excitement and love to the house. It can be fun. Babies are cute little beings and they are often enamored by the antics of their older siblings.
Your daughter is probably torn between two feelings, jealousy and love. Sometimes she likes having the baby around and sometimes she doesn’t. Most adults cannot verbalize the complexity of their emotions, so it’s not surprising that your 2-year-old can’t tell you why she won’t share with her baby sibling. Most importantly, 2-year-olds have a hard time sharing with anyone, they certainly don’t want to have to share with the baby who engenders so many conflicting and confusing emotions.
2 things can help:
1. Reflect Her Feelings:
The most helpful thing you can do for your daughter is to help her realize that having conflicting emotions, two different feelings at the same time, is normal. You can do that by naming your feelings for her.
You can say:
“You might have 2 feelings about the new baby. Sometimes you will be happy to have a new baby in the house. It can be fun and exciting. Sometimes it will be very busy and overwhelming. If you get sad just let me know, say, ‘Mommy, I need attention’…”
“New babies can be exciting and fun. They can also be a lot of work. Just make sure to let me know when you need a break.”
Children feel relieved when they understand that they can have contradictory emotions. This can help reduce her negative behavior, (i.e. not sharing). This also broadens her knowledge of her emotions and increases her vocabulary of feeling words. This is the best way to help her become aware of her feelings and the feelings of others. This is an important skill that develops and expands on her ability to empathize and deal kindly with others. That will hopefully include her sister.
2. Don’t Force Her To Share:
2 year olds have a hard time sharing because developmentally they don’t understand what sharing means. Toddlers think that sharing their toy with a friend means that they are giving it up forever.
Babies up until about 18 months often have no problem sharing because they have limited memory, no sense of time or ownership. If a toy is out of their sight, it means it does not exist anymore.
But, one of the first words a child learns is “mine.” An 18 month old/2-year-old will use this world liberally and often. This denotes that they have learned the concept of ownership. But they are a bit confused as to what ownership means. Oftentimes any toy they play with, whether it is theirs, their friend’s or the store’s, becomes “mine!”
We can teach kids to share, and what ownership means, but like anything we teach children it takes time.
To help your daughter learn to share you can:
- Make sure she has her toys that she does not have to share. Put them in a designated out-of-the-way place. Once she is not forced to share certain toys, she will be more likely to share others.
- Role-play with her what she should do if she wants a toy that her sister is holding. Show her that she can ask her baby sister for the toy and gently take it from her without grabbing it. If she also has a hard time sharing on play dates you can role-play with her how to share with her friends and what to do and say when her friend is playing with a toy she wants.
- Similarly, on a play date, you can help her learn how to take turns. You can say, “You have been on the swings for 10 minutes. Sara wants a turn also. Do you think you can get off the swing in 2 or 5 minutes? You can then turn to Sara and say, “Miki wants to share, she needs 5 more minutes on the swing, let’s sing a song while we wait.” This gives Miki time to transition from one activity to another and helps her conceptualize the idea of sharing.
I hope this helps!
Good luck!
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