Dear Adina,
My child will not talk to me. I try to talk to him but he doesn’t respond or ignores me. It seems to me to border on rude. What can I do to get him to talk?
This is a question that I get a lot. You are not alone. Here are some ideas to help you connect with your child.
1. Forget The Third Degree:
Parents spend a lot of time innocently asking kids questions. Queries like:
“How was your day? Did you get your test back today? Any homework?”
“Did you have fun today? Did you play basketball during recess? Are you playing with any of your friends today?”
These questions seem benign and politely conversational, but children find them to be intrusive and bothersome.Children want the liberty to talk when they feel like talking. That is why children generally respond to these questions with one word answers or a shrug of their shoulders. This can annoy us parents to no end, especially since we think we are being so nice and friendly.
To really relate to our kids and help them start talking we need to avoid the questions and instead say:
“It is so nice to see you!”
“I am glad you are home!”
2. Talk About Yourself:
Another way to initiate conversation is to tell our kids a little bit about our day. This takes the pressure off of them and they actually might just feel like telling you a little about themselves. (Just remember to keep it short and positive.)
“I had a great day today. I met Sara for coffee and we had a nice time catching up. I hope your day went well.”
“I read the newspaper today and I learned that they are opening up a new megastore near us. I can’t wait!”
3. Silence Is Golden:
In my classes I tell parents that in order to for your children to start talking to you, you should stop talking to them. No, this is not a deviant plan to gain revenge, it is strangely what your child needs. When they come home from school, sit down with them at the table while they eat their snack and say nothing. Children find this to be oddly comforting. They might actually surprise you and strike up a conversation.
4. Introverts Are People Too:
If you have a quiet kid don’t force them to chat with you. Appreciate them for who they are. Give them hugs and kisses instead. Let them know that they are loved for whatever personality they have.
5. What Is Important To Them Is Important To You:
Try following the things that interest your kids, baseball, dance, and the latest in sci-fi mysteries. It lets them know you are thinking about them when you looked up that article online about the migratory patterns of the butterfly or J.K. Rowling’s next project.
I hope this helps!
Good Luck!
Adina