The Importance of Saying “No” To Your Kids

Dear Adina,

“Every time we go anyplace with my kids they always want to buy snacks or go to the gift shop and buy souvenirs. If we go to the store to buy someone else a gift they want one too. We are on a limited budget. We can take them to museums and other places but we can’t afford the extras. How do I get them to stop asking for stuff?”

That is a great question.

The real issue here is not how to get them to stop asking you for stuff but how you can say no. Children will rarely stop asking as long as they know that their parents will eventually give in. They will use every argument they can to get the stuff they want. They will appeal to your sense of justice and say, “It’s not fair! You never get us anything!” If that doesn’t work they will accuse you of cruelty, “You are so mean!”

Another ploy that they use is to compare your parenting skills to other parents they know, “But, Allie, her parents always buy her everything she wants. I wish they were my parents.”

Parents need to be very strong and secure in their parenting skills to withstand this verbal onslaught. Children can be very persuasive when they want to be.

Parents need to assure themselves of this fact: you are not unfair, mean or a loser when you don’t give your children everything they want. You are a responsible parent. You are teaching your child to curb their impulses and learn to delay gratification. Those are two important ingredients in creating emotionally healthy adults. They are also the key to promoting emotional intelligence in your child. Once you are convinced that you are doing the right thing saying “no” will get a lot easier.

Another important fact that parents need to recognize is this: wanting and desiring things is a very human trait. We have basic drives and one of them is the drive to acquire. This drive is what ultimately causes us to be curious about our world. It fuels our ambitions and makes us passionate about life. Without it humanity would still be in the dark ages. However, left to its own devices without any attempt to reign it in can lead to unhappiness and dissatisfaction in life.

This is what we are seeing in our children. It is the drive to acquire in an unadulterated form. It is quite normal for kids to want things and because of their poor impulse control they need to have it right now and they need everything. Our job as parents is to channel their desires into normal proportions by not giving our children everything they ask for.

When children are asking us for the latest electronic game, toy, and stuffed animal we don’t need to get upset with them for their endless and insatiable desires. That is normal. It is how it should be. Respect and understand this need and hunger for stuff that your children exhibit. Instead of getting upset when they start in with their complaints and requests, view them with compassion. It is very hard to want things that you can’t have. However, we need to remember that we do not need to give in to their urgent pleas. We can and should say no. If they hear that you actually care about how they feel, they will be able to accept your “no” gracefully.

To help us say “no” to our children we can do the following:

1.   Plan ahead

Tell your children what they should expect when they go to the store, or museum beforehand.

“Okay guys, this is the story, we are going to your favorite, the Museum of Natural History today. Just to let you know, you can look but we will not be buying any souvenirs at the gift store today.”

2. State your rules

You can  let them know that you will not listen to whining:

“When we are in the gift store I will not be able to listen to repeated requests for things or whining. If you think you can go into the store without asking me for stuff then you can go in. If you think you won’t be able to go into the store without getting upset and asking me to buy you something, let me know and I can wait with you outside.”

3. Help them remember

Once you are at the museum before you enter the gift store you can remind them again, with empathy, of your rule,

“It can be hard to go into a gift store and not buy stuff. Sometimes just looking at the stuff makes it even tougher. I just want to let you know one more time we will not be buying anything here today.”

4. Be firm while using empathy

If your child continues to whine and complain you can empathize some more:

“I hear how upset you are and how angry. It is hard to want something so badly and not get it. I wish I had time to listen some more but we are going to leave now. You need to find a way to calm down. When you are home you can let me know how mad you are about this rule. Next time we come here, I need to know for sure that you will not whine before we go into the store”

In our materialistic society, it is important to gently curb and limit our children’s never-ending requests for more stuff. As parents, we are acting responsibly when we do so. Although it sometimes feels harsh, in the long run, we are doing a great service to our children.

You can find even more practical ways to say no in my workshop, Get Along & Thrive With Your Strong-Willed Child. Learn how to say no gracefully, and gain the techniques to help teach your children to be respectful in this binge-worthy workshop.