As we mentioned in our last few posts, when we discuss each temperament and gain an understanding of how our children work, we can learn what triggers their bad behavior, and learn to manage the feelings that overwhelm them. Knowing a child’s temperament can help us engage our children’s cooperation in a way that truly takes their personality, their strengths and weaknesses into account. Instead of finding their tough behavior frustrating we can view their actions in more positive ways.
We have already talked about the temperamental traits of introversion, extroversion, intensity, persistence, perceptiveness, adaptability, regularity and energy. This post will highlight the temperamental trait of “First Reaction.”
FIRST REACTION
(Sheedy Kurcinka, 2006)
Many children get upset in new and unfamiliar situations. Their first reaction to new foods, people, and places is to push it away. It’s hard to imagine that your child is not trying to frustrate you when they have trouble coming to your room or responding to therapy activities. These children need to watch before they will join in. They think before they act. This will serve them well when they are teenagers.
Triggers:
• New situations and new people.
• Being pushed before they are comfortable
• Having to make quick decisions
Managing Their Feelings:
Give them words to describe their feelings:
• “You like to check things out before you jump in.”
• “It’s okay to watch before participating.”
• “Being pushed bothers you.”
• “You like to know what to expect.”
• “You need time to get to know people.”
• “You like to take time to make a decision.”
Teach them to express, instead of whining and crying: (Cooke & Williams, 1987)
“I am uncomfortable.”
“I need a few minutes to get warmed up.”
“This does not feel right for me.”
“Let me think about it.”
To Engage Cooperation:
• You need to encourage not push them
• Give plenty of warnings about new experiences, people and food.
• Remind him of similar situations where he rejected it at first but now enjoys.
Give choices: “Would you like to hold Mommy’s hand in my office or sit on her lap?”
To Encourage Autonomy:
Use “Sometimes it helps”:
Sometimes it helps:
“To go early to get used to new situations”
“To find out information about where you are going before hand”
“It helps to know that you can change your mind and not get in trouble”
Problem Solving
“What will help you feel more comfortable?”
Praise
“You brought your favorite stuffed animal with you today. You figured out a way to help yourself get comfortable!”
Freeing Children from Negative Roles: (Fogle & Flasher, 2004, p.147)
They need to be freed from the following negative roles:
Scaredy Cat/Thinks before he acts.
Stubborn/Needs some time to warm up
Anti-social/Able to entertain themselves
Be a storehouse for child’s special moments:
Mother to Child: “Remember, you were uncomfortable with her at first, but then you got used to her after a bit and you liked her.”
Stay tuned for our next and last post, “The Moody Child” in our series on temperamental traits…
References:
Sheedy Kurcinka, M. (2003). Raising Your Spirited Child Workbook. NY. Harper Collins.
Sheedy Kurcinka, M. (2006). Raising Your Spirited Child. NY. Harper Collins.
Faber, A., Mazlish, E. (1999). How To Talk So Kids Will Listen. NY: Harper Collins.