Do your children respond to your wise and sensible advice with eye rolling and annoyance? Join the club.
Here is what you need to know to get your children to listen to you and respond positively to your advice.
Children and teens have a hard time accepting advice from their parents. Giving advice to children interferes with children’s much needed autonomy. All human beings, and that includes children, generally like to figure things out for themselves.
Stepping in and giving our children advice, even when it is solicited, may cause children to feel stupid (“I should have thought about that myself”). They also may feel angry, (“Why are you always telling me what to do and controlling my life?”) and defiant (“Maybe I thought about that solution already!”). Advice in the form of lectures causes boredom and weariness, (“I am never going to ask for advice again- she just goes on and on!”).
The following key phrases allow us to give advice in a way that respects our child’s independence, and show we understand their feelings:
“I am not sure you will agree with this….but I was thinking that walking in the snow with those shoes might ruin them.”
“What do you think of this idea?……I can go to the mall and do some work at the coffee shop while you shop with your friends.”
“How would you feel about?…….asking Sarah for the name of her math tutor?”
More importantly, we need to show our children that we have faith in their ability to solve problems on their own.
We can do that by asking them:
“In this situation what do you think would work for you?”
In my “Resilient Kids” workshop we learn more powerful strategies on how to give advice and how to empower children to solve their own problems.
Adina