In our last post we spoke about how many parents feel that their children act selfishly:
I just broke my foot and I couldn’t come on my daughter’s class trip with her. She came home from the trip and threw a tantrum that I was not there…
My 5-year son does not let his friends play with any of his toys…
I spent a lot of money buying my daughter a whole new wardrobe and now she tells me she has nothing to wear…
We spoke about how kids are developmentally egocentric; they do have a hard time seeing how their actions impact on others. They do not yet have the cognitive ability to put themselves in another person’s shoes. We went on to add we need to avoid labeling our children’s actions as “selfish.” We need to find other less reactive ways to describe our children’s behavior.
We also discussed how adults often act in ways that appear to be selfish.
We ended the post by asking the question:
Are we truly selfish or just human? Are our kids selfish or just being kids?
I think the answer is: We are just human and our kids are just being kids. However, we can teach our kids (and ourselves if need be) to react differently, to act in ways that are more grateful, compassionate and sensitive.
It all starts with empathy:
To the child who threw a tantrum after plans were changed:
“You were disappointed that I could not come on your class trip. You were looking forward to having me there. You wish I would not have broken my leg!”
To the child who can’t share:
“You are involved in your play and you are using your blocks right now and you don’t feel like you can share them.”
To the child who complains that she has nothing to wear:
“You can’t seem to find anything that works for you right now. You are having a hard time choosing an outfit to wear.”
Empathy, diffuses conflict, teaches kids that you understand how you feel and keeps the communication flowing. You are actually role modeling how not to be selfish, how to take another person’s feelings into consideration.
You can then guide a child to behave better:
“You seemed so sad about the trip. It is hard to have plans change just like that. Next time I know that you will try to say with words, “Mommy, I was so disappointed that you could not come. I hope you feel better soon so you can come next time.”
“It is tough to share your toys. Eli was sad that he could not play with the blocks. Maybe next time before your friend comes over we can talk about the toys that you have that you can share. Let’s try to remember that next time.”
“It can be hard when you can’t find the right outfit to wear. It can be hard to remember and be grateful for all the new things we do have. I am sure you will remember that when you calm down.
As we can see “selfishness” is a complicated state of being. Pulling our kids out of that state takes time, empathy and a bit of constructive guidance.