“When you learn to attribute positive intent to other people, you possess a powerful skill. It is the skill you need to transform opposition into cooperation.”
— Becky Bailey, Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline
We all do it—often without even realizing it.
We look at our child’s behavior and quietly (or not so quietly) label it: manipulative, selfish, rude, irresponsible.
And once those labels settle in, everything we see gets filtered through them.
But here’s the reframe that changes everything:
Kids aren’t being bad—they’re being human.
What looks like manipulation is usually a child trying to get a need met.
What looks like selfishness is often a child who hasn’t yet learned perspective.
What looks like rudeness is a lack of social skills, not a lack of respect.
What looks like irresponsibility may simply be confusion about expectations.
And sometimes? They’re just tired.
Tired of being told what to do.
Tired of not knowing the rules.
Tired of being a kid in a world run by adults.
When we assign negative motives to our children’s behavior, we unknowingly back them into a corner. Their only options become defend or attack.
That’s where power struggles begin—and once they start, they’re hard to escape.
There is another way.
Instead of reacting to behavior, we can look for the positive intention underneath it.
We can give our children the benefit of the doubt—and the skills they’re still learning.
Here’s what that shift looks like in real life:
Instead of assigning a negative motive:
“You can’t just walk away from the table. That’s rude and irresponsible. You need to help clean up.”
Try assigning positive intent and clarifying expectations:
“You thought it was okay to leave the table and that I’d call you when it was time to help. Next time, I’d like you to ask to be excused before you leave.”
Instead of accusing:
“You always cry when you don’t get your way. That’s selfish. You should know better.”
Try assigning positive intent and giving language:
“You’re really disappointed you can’t come with me. It feels so sad that it comes out as tears. Next time you can say, ‘Mommy, it makes me sad when I have to stay with the babysitter.’”
When we assign positive intent, we communicate something powerful:
I believe you are good, even when your behavior isn’t perfect.
That belief builds trust, reduces resistance, and allows us to guide our children kindly and firmly toward better behavior—without power struggles.
And that’s how cooperation grows.