When our kids misbehave, and they will, we often get understandably angry. We are frustrated and annoyed. I know that I have said the following:
“He is doing this to bother me.”
“He always does this to get what she wants.”
“Why are they always ignoring me?”
“They are being disrespectful.”
“I can’t take this anymore.”
“I am going to show him who his boss.”
These messages never served me well. I found that they are so counterproductive. I learned the hard way that they just made things worse.
That fact is, kids misbehave, it’s a normal part of life. I have found that the above phrases are not even true:
“He is doing this to bother me.” Kids generally don’t misbehave to bother you. They have other issues on their mind. They will misbehave though, to get your attention. That is more accurate.
“He always does this to get what she wants.” They may do it to get what they want, but everyone needs a way to get their needs met. We can teach them better ways to get their needs met.
“Why are they always ignoring me?” There are many, reasons why kids ignore us. Most importantly it is completely normal. They really are not being bad. Sometimes it might be as simple as they didn’t hear you. Besides using the word “always” doesn’t work to promote peace.
“They are being disrespectful.” It’s painful when children talk back. It is hard to manage it. However, we can teach respect step by step to our kids.
“I can’t take this anymore.” Parents can take a lot- we have to 🙂 I used to think that I could not handle parenting, but now I know that was just a lot of negativity. I can manage the challenges of parenting. Sometimes I need help. Sometimes I need a break. Sometimes I need to eat lots of ice cream- but in the end it is manageable. I can do it.
“I am going to show him who his boss.” whenever I thought this- my kids immediately rebelled even more and acted out even more. It was a disaster. I didn’t even have to say it out loud! Just thinking it- just goes to show how our thoughts can effect situations.
What we tell ourselves when our children are misbehaving may work against us and exacerbate an already tense situation. It is, what my husband calls, head trash. In essence, we create for ourselves the proverbial mountain out of a molehill.
When we react in this way, even if we don’t say it and we just think it,(see above) we set ourselves up for a negative interaction. We make ourselves angry. Disciplining and managing children appropriately requires a cool head and positivity.
Sometimes all we need to do is change our self-talk. It can be the first step to calm. It was certainly my first step to calm. It helped restore my equilibrium, allowing me to manage lots of difficult parenting situations in a relaxed and respectful manner.
So when our kids misbehave, let’s try to tell ourselves:
“They are not out to get me.”
“Something is really bothering them.”
“This child is overwhelmed, scared, tired, frustrated…..”
“This child is trying to communicate with me and is doing it in a way that is making me mad and impatient”
“I can manage this situation.”
“I can take a deep breath and start over.”
“This child is showing me he wants some control over his life and some say in what he has to do.”
When we respond to our children in this way, something releases within us. We are able to act better. They feel it to and they respond in kind. Try it! Let me know how it works for you!