Dear Adina,
We just found out that my son is allergic to about 10 different foods. He is really upset about it. He keeps on saying” Why can’t I eat it?”, ” I hate allergies!” “Why do these bad things happen to me?”, “I am so unlucky I can’t eat anything I want to.” I keep on telling him, it is not so bad, once he gets used to it he will be okay and that there a lot of foods he can eat. I also told him that he’ll be much healthier because he can’t eat so much junk food. This does not make him happy. What else can I do to help him deal with this?
You are writing to the right person. I am allergic to lots of foods and so are my kids. Nuts, some raw fruits and vegetables and CHOCOLATE!
When children are upset the best thing to do is accept their feelings. Many times, unwittingly, parents deny children’s feelings, thinking that this will help children forget their problems and smooth things over. Denying feelings means saying things, like, “It’s not so bad, You will be fine, Don’t worry, I will buy you all the candy you want that you are not allergic too.” Denying feelings, annoys children and makes them feel angry and misunderstood. It actually creates more tension between parents and their children.
There are better ways to manage your child’s frustration with his allergies. Techniques that use empathy and show respect for our children’s feelings are more successful. When empathy is used, children feel understood and accept their parents as their allies not their enemies. Calmness prevails, there are less arguments. Children can then direct their emotions to finding solutions to their own problems.
Here are 5 techniques that you can use to talk to your child about his allergies:
1. Reflect Feelings:
When we say to children, “It’s not so bad”, they are hearing that they have no reason to feel what they are feeling. It creates conflict; they are forced into a position where they have to fight to be understood, “Yes, it is bad, you never understand me!” Some children may internalize their negative feelings. They won’t feel comfortable sharing their emotions with you. Some children will even think to themselves, “Something must be wrong with the way I feel, if I feel so strongly about something my parents see as not a big deal.”
Reflecting Feelings helps us avoid a negative interaction. You can simply say:
“You are really upset about your allergies and all these new food restrictions.”
“You sound like you are having a hard time getting used to this new diet.”
“You seem really sad about not being able to have your favorite candy bar anymore.”
Parents may fear that by reflecting a child’s feelings they make things worse. The opposite is true. Having someone name your feelings for you is calming and comforting. It helps bond us with our children.
2. Give them their wishes in fantasy:
Many times when children complain, we respond with rational explanations of why they can’t have what they want. When children are in a negative state of mind, we want to avoid logical discussions. It just makes them want what they can’t have even more. If we give them their wishes in fantasy, we show them that we really understand how hard it is to desire something that you can’t have. Similar to reflecting feelings, this language soothes and pacifies children.
Instead of:
“There is still a lot of food you can eat.”
“Lots of people have allergies, Your grandmother has allergies and so do I. It’s in your genes and there is nothing you can do about it.”
Say:
“You wish you could eat whatever you wanted without worrying about your allergies.”
“You wish that scientist would come up with a cure for allergies right now!”
3. Use humor:
When my son would start to complain about his allergies, I would say, “One day maybe there will be a vaccine for allergies. We will be able to eat everything we want! We will both go to the supermarket and each get a cart and fill it to the top with ________ (we would list all the foods we would love to eat but couldn’t) and we will have an allergy picnic just the two of us!”
Humor can diffuse tense situations in minutes and create positive feelings.
4. Accept Feelings And Use The Phrase, “Even though you know”
Instead of moralizing:
“You will feel so much better and have a lot more energy now. This is actually a good thing for you.”
“You will be much healthier because you can’t eat a lot of junk food.”
Say:
“This whole thing is making you pretty sad. Even though you know that you might be healthier because you can’t each so much junk food, it does not help when you think about all things you can’t eat.”
Telling children that things are good for them does not help them. Again, it is another tactic that increases their anger and frustration. Using the phrase, “even though you know” is an effective communication tool. It is a respectful way of getting your point across. It allows you to slip in your lesson in, in an unassuming, subliminal, non-threatening, manner. It is a great way and possibly the only way to get your child to acknowledge and see the benefits or the possible good in a difficult situation.
5. Wait until a calm moment and use the phrase, “I don’t know if this will help”:
Instead of lecturing:
“There are people who have worse problems than you. There are people who don’t have any food and children who can’t eat at all. You are actually really lucky.”
Say:
“I was thinking about what you said before about your allergies. I don’t know if this will help, but sometimes when I get upset about things in life- I try to think of all the things I am grateful for- all the good things I have: Daddy, you, our house, our family. I know when you are upset about things like allergies it is hard to see that. I hope that maybe thinking about all the things you are grateful for could help you when you are feeling sad.”
When we lecture many children just tune us out. Some children feel guilty and bad about their feelings and others just get mad. The phrase, “I don’t know if this will help”, is similar to “even though you know.” It is a non-confrontational way of teaching your child your values. Children will be more prone to listen to your suggestion when it is framed in this manner.
6. Empathize and ask, “What can you do?”
When we use this technique we teach children that they have a responsibility to behave appropriately and that we have faith in their ability to manage their difficult emotions. It is empowering for children to know that they can be in charge of themselves and their feelings. They do not have to rely on adults to keep them in line.
You can say:
“This whole allergy thing is really bothering you, what can you do to help yourself manage all your angry feelings about this?”
“You seem so sad, what can you do to make yourself feel better?”
All these techniques have one thing in common, empathy and validation of children’s feelings. All show your child that you truly understand and respect his emotions. Once they know you really feel for them and honor their struggle they can begin to deal with their difficult emotions themselves. Children who are spoken to in this way will say to themselves, “My mom/dad really understands, it’s good to have someone to talk to who really gets me.” They can start the mature process of taking responsibility for the emotions and their actions and come up with their own solutions to life’s curveballs. It is this simple: Denying children’s feelings teaches children to avoid their problems and blame others for life’s challenges. Validating and empathizing teaches children that they can depend on us for support and they have the inner strength to face life’s difficulties head on.