I just saw this quote by Richard Lavoie “Do understand the child has eight basic needs: limits, attention, acceptance, power, success, belonging, safety and love. “Acting out” occurs whenever one or more of these needs are not being met. You can prevent a good deal of misbehavior by making a concerted attempt to meet these needs for each child.”
There is so much to say about this quote but the first need, limits, really got me thinking. Parents, me included, often forget how important this is. We need to set rules and limits for our kids and stick to them. It helps kids feel safe and secure when we maintain our status of authority figures. It really does help curb misbehavior. The best way to lay the groundwork for limit setting is to make sure your children are respectful to you. Kids need to learn how to speak and treat parents with respect.
Here are 3 simple ways to do this:
1. Teach respectful language:
It is helpful to teach kids how to be respectful. They don’t know how to do this naturally. For younger children you can gently let them know what they did wrong, “ I didn’t like the way you just asked me for orange juice, can you use your respectful voice to do that…”
You can then model for them how you would like to be asked, “ I like to be asked with a please, like this, Mom, could you please get me a glass of juice…..”
2. Tell them what disrespect looks like:
If you watch T.V. with your children it is the perfect time to discuss the different ways that people talk to one another. You can point out whether the characters on T.V. are being respectful to each other:
“Sam sounds pretty disrespectful…what he said could really hurt someone’s feelings.”
Instead of making negative comments, which can annoy children and turn them off, you can say in an offhand way, “Those people are really being nasty to each other; I am so glad in this house we try to be respectful to one another.”
3. Acknowledge your child’s respectful behavior:
It is also always helpful to point out the times people in our families are being respectful. Positive reinforcement is a powerful teaching tool.
“ You knocked on my door instead of just coming in. That’s called being respectful.”
“You asked with a please. That is called being respectful.”
It is up to parents to teach children how to be respectful. Children want and need you to be respectfully authoritative in your home. It gives them the feeling of security that they crave. Children want to do the right thing they just need us to teach them how to do it.
References:
Faber, Adele and Elaine Mazlish. How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, Avon Books, 1980
Mogel, W. (2001). The Blessing of a Skinned Knee. NY: Penguin Group.