Dear Adina,
We took in my elderly grandmother a few months ago. It has been quite an adjustment for us all. I have been focusing much of my time on getting my grandmother settled and obviously my children feel neglected. They are not listening, disrespectful, and having trouble getting to bed on time. My husband and I are overwhelmed. We have been offering choices and consequences and rewards…. They just don’t seem to care about the choices, they do whatever they want! So then things get even more out of control We are yelling an frustrated and so are our kids. Help!
Thanks for writing. You sound like you are at the end of your rope. I really feel for you!
This is what you need to know:
1. Kids are sensitive
Children pick up on everything. So, if you are overwhelmed and frustrated your kids usually feel your emotions and sometimes adopted them as their own. They start to act out, which is what you are seeing. Lucky you!
To help them and you, acknowledge their feelings. Just giving them a name for their own emotions can be validating and liberating. You might feel it too. You can simply say:
“It has been very busy here since Grandma moved in!”
“When a person moves into a house it takes a lot for everyone to get used to it. That is called a transition time. Everyone gets a little out of whack!”
“You probably need some more time with Daddy and I, sometimes kids feel like their parents aren’t paying so much attention to them and that is tough!”
2. Teach them about working together as a family:
It is helpful to add that although this is a tough time, you have faith that things will work out. Encourage them that you can all work together and manage life’s challenges. This helps them feel secure and more in control. You can say:
“We are a family who can work together and handle this even though it is tough!”
“We are going to figure out how to give Grandma the attention she needs, and you the attention you need. It might take us a while but we will figure it out.”
This can be very comforting to kids.
3. Think of solutions:
In order to put some order back into your home you might want to try some problem solving with your kids. You don’t mention how old your kids are but this can work with very young kids even if it just to give them a voice and help build their confidence in their problem solving abilities. You can say:
“I see that we have been having some trouble lately. We need to work on the children listening to Daddy and I, going to sleep when it is bed time and being more respectful.”
Ask them:
“What should we work on first?”
“Our bedtimes are all messed up- what would be a good idea to get ourselves back on track?”
“Do you have any ideas on how we can be more respectful- we all have been a little tense and sometimes we say “I hate you” (not sure how they are being disrespectful so you can fill in the blanks.) what can we say instead so we can be more respectful.”
You probably should just work on 1 or 2 things and slowly, if you can, to slowly get the house back onto an even keel.
For example, if you are going to work on bedtimes than you can say:
“We need to get back on to our bedtime schedule, I am tired, Daddy is tired, you guys are tired. I think if we do that, everyone will feel better and it will be calmer here. So lets start working on that together.”
If they protest and they will (if your children are children) you can go back to:
“Remember we spoke about this- working on our bedtimes- lets go…”
This will help you generate more of a team feeling.
I hope this helps
Adina