I was once watching T.V. when I was a brand new mother. As I was about to turn it off, I heard “Parents, if you want to keep your child safe at the grocery store you need to stay tuned for this special report at 11.” Although I was exhausted, I couldn’t miss this. Wouldn’t that mean I was a horrible mother? Somehow I felt I would never be able to go safely to the supermarket with my son again if I missed this important press item.
So what was this danger that was lurking in the grocery store? If you could believe it, it was reported, that children should not walk around the produce department unsupervised. Why, because they could get hit on the head by a falling melon. The reporter felt that every parent should be aware of this potentially hazardous situation. Were they being serious? Was Chicken Little writing for this news station?
The fact is that the media was just tapping into the modern phenomena of “helicopter parenting.” I am sure you have all heard this phrase. This term describes parents who are overprotective and constantly doing things for their children that they should be doing themselves. Intellectually, we know that we need to step back and let our children make their own mistakes and do what they can for themselves. Emotionally, we have a difficult time. Parents can get confused as to when to help children, how much should we help and when should we not help at all.
To help us understand what we should and shouldn’t do for our children we need to stop letting the media feed our fears. More important, we need to look at why we help our children in the first place. Parents have different reasons for moving in and taking over their children’s lives. Once we clarify our motives and what type of parent we are then we can make better decisions as to what our children need from us.
The following are possible causes for our tendency to be a “helicopter parent”:
Motive 1: The helper:
There are parents who are naturally givers. They love to be kind and give to others including their children. They are always available when their children need them. They have a hard time stopping themselves from doing for their children what their children need to be doing for themselves. When a child doesn’t like dinner or forgets his lunch at home, these parents will jump in to make their child more food or run their child’s sandwich to school. It is all in the name of kindness.
Motive 2: The worrier:
There are parents who are naturally anxious. They worry that their children will not do well in school if they don’t do their homework, that they will get sick if they don’t eat or they will get hurt if they walk to school alone. These parents will do anything so that they do not worry. They will stand over their child and check their homework, force their child to eat, and drive them the two blocks to school.
Motive 3: The guilty one:
There are some parents who feel guilty. They feel like they are bad parents if they don’t do things for their children. They have unrealistic expectations of what being a “good parent” actually entails. To them “Good Parents” make sure their children are warm, fed, get good grades and they never yell. These parents are usually overwhelmed and stressed out from overextending themselves.
Motive 4: The conflict avoider:
There are parents who will do anything for their children so that their child will not get angry and throw a fit.
These parents know if their child doesn’t have his homework in school that day, they will come home in a bad mood and resort to temper tantrums. They will take their child’s homework to school so that they can avoid problems later on.
Do you recognize yourself? I can see myself in all 4 of these categories. I like to help out. I can probably win the award for being a worrywart. I often feel guilty about what I don’t do for my kids and I hate to fight.
However, I do know the drawbacks of doing too much for children. Children who have not been taught to fend for themselves lack resilience and have a hard time managing throughout their life. I know I need to let go.
So for example, when my son left his backpack at home instead of running out to school to deliver it to him, I forced myself to stay put. I felt bad because I wanted to help him. I worried that he was not going to get in trouble with his teacher. I did feel a little bit like a bad mother and very guilty. I certainly was not looking forward to his homecoming that evening. He was going to be upset because his teacher had a very strict homework policy. He definitely would be penalized for not handing it in.
What I did know was that he would learn to take responsibility for his possessions and he would probably never forget his backpack again. I would never even have to say a word. This was a true life lesson, a natural consequence to his behavior and a gentle push to teach him to be self sufficient. So, I sat on my hands and went about my day. He was mad but he has never forgotten his backpack again.