Dear Adina,
I have taken your class and have found it to be very helpful. I am able to use the communication techniques that you taught with all but one of my children. (I have four children) For example, I will say, “When all the blocks and legos are put away in the box, we will have our snack.” Three children will clean up and one child, my son, will sit on the side and continue to play. What do I do then?
You will always have that one child who likes to rock the boat. It actually hard to see, but it does show strength of character. He likes to do his own thing. Some children have a hard time complying and need an extra nudge. It sounds crazy but every parent needs a child like this in their life if they want to develop their own strength of character, fortitude and patience. To help your child listen you can try the following:
1. Don’t let him get to you:
Some children like to make waves and engage their parents in a power struggle. It makes them feel important and powerful. It is a basic human need. Children want to feel valued and in control, and this is how they demonstrate that need. It seems a little backward to rational, thinking adults but it is one of those quirky things about children’s behavior. Your son is just letting you know, that he is feeling small and vulnerable. He is letting you know he wants to be in charge and no one can tell him what to do. Especially his own mother.
It is everyone’s best interest to remain calm. You might be thinking, “He is doing this to bother me. He is always so difficult!” Instead you can try to change your frame of mind, try saying to yourself, “This child needs some of my time, he needs me to help him feel important. I can do this. I can be creative and help him cooperate.”
You can retrain your brain to think positive thoughts. This will help you have better interactions with your child.
2. Remind him of his goodness and his abilities:
It will help you and him to think about the times in the past that he has helped or he has been cooperative. You can also remind him of his other accomplishments. It will help him feel good about himself which is what he really wants. It will also impress the other children. He may feel as if he needs to live up to his reputation. You can say:
“I know you can clean up, I remembered how much you helped me yesterday when the family room was such a mess. I know you can clean up now.”
“A boy like you who can win a basketball championship will be able to clean blocks without any problem!”
3. Give him the benefit of the doubt:
It is always valuable to judge children favorably and reflect children’s difficult feelings. Children are often dealing with some tough emotions. It is hard for children to listen and do things they don’t want to do. It is also hard not to be in charge when you so want to be. Once we understand this we can view children with compassion. This can help us gain their cooperation. In this case you can say:
“Oh Boy, something must really be bothering you and making you upset. You are not ready to put away your blocks, even if it means you are getting a snack. Do you need a minute or two to get it together?”
4.Use it as an opportunity to teach kindness:
I was always taught that sometimes it is more effective to be kind even if the face of disrespect and anger. It can diffuse tension and encourage better behavior more than anything else can. You can try saying:
“Mikey is having trouble cleaning up. He is pretty upset. Can we give him a break today and do his job for him?”
“Mikey, don’t worry about cleaning up today. This morning you helped me get the baby his breakfast and you carried the baby to the car. You look like you can use a rest. Guys, lets clean up. I am sure Mikey will reciprocate when one of us is having a tough day!”
5. Give him what he needs:
It would also be helpful to acknowledge his need for extra attention and help him feel valued. This can be done very simply. You can whisper in his ear:
“I know you are having a hard time right now. After you finish cleaning up lets talk about when we can make a time to go out together.”
6. Assign positive intent:
Another way to help him to cooperate is to assume that he wants to help and that he just didn’t hear you. You can say:
“You probably didn’t hear that it is time to clean up. Mikey, It is time to clean up.”
7. Give him time to transition:
Your son might have trouble transitioning from one activity to another. You want to give him a warning to let him know that clean up time will be coming up in 5 or 10 minutes. You can say:
“Clean up time will start in 5 minutes. If you need more than 5 minutes to finish playing let me know. If you think you need extra time we can clean up in 10 minutes.”
This also gives him some control over the situation which is what he really needs.
8. Praise:
Children should be commended when they comply even if they at first defied you. It is the final action that counts. A child who overcomes his initial resistance and does what his parents ask him to do shows more strength of character than a child who readily obeys. Children who have a tough time following rules need to hear that it is normal to feel oppositional and they are not bad for feeling that way. This will ensure that there will be more cooperation in the future. He will be more aware of his personality and be able to control his impulses more effectively. You can say:
“You cleaned up even you didn’t want to. It is so hard to do something that other people tell you that you have to do. That shows strength of character. You should be proud of yourself.”
It is ironic but non-compliant children need more compassion, more patience and extra dose of sensitivity. They will push our buttons like no one else can but they also teach us that we have the stamina and endurance that we need to deal with difficult parenting situations.
For more parenting tips like these, join our parenting workshops. We look forward to hearing from you.
Adina