Dear Adina,
I am one of those Moms with a “highly sensitive” personality and a mom of 4. My son is 7 and is the second of my 4 children and has the same sensitive personality like me. He reacts to our every correction with hurt feelings saying “you hate me!” and “I am dumb, I can’t do anything!” It is in those times that I know I need to accept him the most, yet not encourage his emotional outbursts. I am not sure how to do that. I also sense that he feels that he has only earned our love if he has done something right or exceptional. I am afraid he is developing into a young perfectionist and people-pleaser (I wonder where he gets that from!).
If you feel that this is caused by a combo of parenting expectations being too high and his sensitivity, should we take him aside and really talk about it, or should we just change our ways of dealing with our son and over time, hope that it helps him.
One more piece of the puzzle, right now, he feels that there is not much he can do that is good enough for his dad. It breaks my heart because that isn’t how my husband feels, he just grew up with a very strict household. One thing I say for him, you know what he really thinks. He isn’t going to lie and say that something is well done when a full effort hasn’t been made… which we differ on whether that has happened.
Any thoughts for me?
This is a fabulous question, probably because I am a sensitive person as well. I love how you are able to read him so accurately. I think you have answered your own question. It could be that your expectations may be to high and he may be very sensitive to those expectations. You can rethink your expectations and when he does not meet your new expectations you can find a more gentle way to correct him.
We can start with the best way to respond, when he talks about himself in negative ways:
1.Reflect his feelings:
When you reflect a child’s feelings, especially a sensitive child’s feelings, you accomplish two things. You help him calm down and feel understood and you also are giving him the words that he needs to describe his inner reality and the tumult of emotions that he is experiencing. (Sensitive kids can be a bundle of conflicting emotions.)
When he says, “You hate me!” you can reflect his feelings:
“Something I said made you upset.”
“When I said _________ it made you feel kind of sad and under confident.”
When he says, “I am dumb, I can’t do anything!” You can reflect his feelings:
“Something we said made you feel like you can’t do it right. Something we said made you feel incompetent. Let me try to rephrase that…”
“I said, You better finish your homework. Let me rephrase that: You have sat down and worked on your homework for 20 minutes and you have been concentrating hard- how many minutes do you need to finish and do you need any help?”
You can also ask him, “When I need to tell you that you need to make your bed or that you didn’t finish cleaning the room the way it should be- how would you like me to tell you that- so you don’t feel so sad? Is there a better way for me to do that? Maybe we can use a hand signal?”
2. New Rules:
When things are calm, you might want to inform him of a new rule in the house:
“We want to stop using the word dumb in our house. We shouldn’t talk bad about ourselves and about other people. Most people aren’t dumb they just need to learn how to do what they need to do. Some people have an easier time doing math and some people have to work harder at it. Some people are good with words and others have a hard time with that. Some people are good with people and others need to work hard to get along with others. People have different strengths and weaknesses…”
Stay tuned for next week when we finish answering this question…
In the meantime, let us know what you think!
What else can this Mom do to help her child?
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