In my previous blog post, I talked about how understanding your child’s personality type is an essential part of establishing positive family communication. Gretchen Rubin’s Four Tendencies is an excellent read to understand the four childhood personality types and will definitely help to improve your relationship.
Upholders
If your child is an Upholder, he/she will generally be pretty easy to raise. Teachers love upholders too. They love rules, are responsible about homework and chores around the house. However, they can be inflexible. Changes in plans, transitions, and unclear rules can trigger opposition or tantrums.
Rubinâs advises parents of Upholders, when up against their childâs iron clad following of rules, to explain, âYour teacher expects you to read for thirty minutes a night, but because we went to visit Grandma, it will be bedtime by the time we get home. A good nightâs sleep will make you alert for school tomorrow, and thatâs more important than reading tonight.â Or âThe teacher understands that sometimes children canât complete an assignment for reasons that arenât their fault, and thatâs okay.â
She asserts that with Upholders âThose arguments will work better thanâŠâYou deserve itâ, âThe teacher wonât know you skipped one day.â
To make things more complicated, Rebel parents have a hard time understanding their Upholder children. Upholder parents have difficulties understanding their Rebel and Questioner children, often butting heads with them, and telling them to âFollow the rules, or else!â Upholder children will become frustrated with their Rebel parents, because they might not give the child clear limits.
Questioners
Questioners are the children who are constantly asking for explanations of why they have to do what they are doing. It can get frustrating and exhausting for parents (as well as teachers.) Their behavior can also be construed as disrespectful. However, they are just intensely curious. They need need logical reasons to comply to demands made of them, âFolding the laundry now, will make sure that everyone has the clothing they need for school for the whole week. It will make our mornings calmer.â
Most kids do not respond well to the typical parenting answers of âBecause I say so, âWeâve always done it this way,â âThis what you have to doâ or âThese are the rules.â However, Questioners (and Rebels) have a particularly difficult time with these phrases.
Questioner parents can get frustrated with the Upholder children, who just do things because it’s the right thing to do, without thinking carefully about it. They can get upset with children who exhibit other tendencies for not thinking through their plans or not acting logically. Children with other tendencies can get annoyed with their Questioner parents for taking a long time to make a decision or for all the questions they do ask of them.
Obligers
Obliger children are generally easy because they like to please the adults in their lives. However, they do need external measures of accountability. Rubin, gives the example of her friend who ran on the track team in high school and loved it. She was complaining that as an adult she could not keep a consistent running schedule. She felt she was just being lazy.
In order for her to follow through, even on the things she loved, she need to be accountable to someone, like her high school coach. As an Obliger, she also, would never want to disappoint her let her teammates. down. That is why she was so successful in high school. As an adult, she just needed to create that same type of structure and build in accountability, (get a running partner that she couldnât let down, or be part of a running group) and she would be able to maintain a running schedule.
Parents of Obligers need to help them find systems outside of themselves that will help them enforce expectations. Incentive charts and gentle reminders can work. Positive reinforcement is a must: âCleaning the dinner table was a huge help to me!â Although, I generally recommend that parents do not help with their childrenâs homework, Obliger children might need that extra attention and outside enforcement.
Upholder Parents may have a hard time understanding why Obliger children canât just do what they are told to do. They may think they are being irresponsible. Rebel and Questioner parents may think that their children are being pushovers. Obliger children can get very confused, wanting to please their parents and not understanding why they are upset.
Rebels
Rebel children are often challenging because they refuse to do what they are told to do. They like to make their own choices and they resist any expectations. They need to feel as is they are doing what they want, not what others want them to do.
Rebel children need love and understanding. They are often knocking up against people and limits. It can be exhausting to have an internal dialogue that does not allow you to follow the rules of society, to always feel the need to push back.
To maintain a loving relationship with these children it is important to avoid direct commands. When parents say to a rebel child, âEat your vegetablesâ the child will most likely dig in their heels and refuse to comply. This will be the case, even if he had planned on eating the vegetables in the first place.
Rubin, suggests the following procedure when speaking to Rebels (FYI, this should be used with all children, whatever tendency they are, however, with Rebels it is essential):
- Provide information: âI made green beans today. It is a bit of a different recipe today and might not be what you are used to.â
- Tell them the positive consequences of their behavior: âIf we try lots of different foods we open ourselves up to lots of great experiences. It also can be healthier.â
- Give them choices: âYou can just put a little on your plate, or you could just take one and taste it.â
- Let them decide: âYou can decide if you want to taste it or not.â
There is one more way this information helps me as a Parent Educator. All four of my children are Upholders (my husband and I are Upholders as well), so they are generally well behaved. People assume my kidâs good behavior comes about because I teach parenting classes! Itâs simply not true; it has been easier to develop, and maintain good positive relationships with them because of their Upholder tendency.
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2 Responses
My daughter (12) asked me this week, “Why are you telling me this like you are writing a paper?” I laughed and said, “I need you to agree that this is a good thing so that you will take ownership and do it well.” Bing. Lightbulb moment. I realized that my daughter, my bright, wonderful daughter who wants to know WHY, who is highly skeptical of all things, who will conquer amazing feats when it’s HER idea, but will hold out to the death on a 30 second job that is mom’s idea, is a Questioner. On one hand, I’m relieved. I am not a “weak” parent for patiently explaining the why’s day in and day out, I can also begin to coach her how to maybe ask questions that will lead to less pain in life, “Why does my boss want me to empty the trash BEFORE I close the cash register, I’m going to end up with trash in the can in the process! Well, maybe she doesn’t want me to go out back later in the evening then I have to, maybe she knows people tend to forget it after everything else.” Helping her to “buy in” to things that she automatically wants to dismiss as foolish. I also cautioned her to make sure that she is not assuming that she has all the information or is the smartest person in the room. Anyway, it’s going to be a fun journey through the teen years, but I’m glad I have one more tool in my belt to help me navigate. I sure hope I find more parenting resources on raising a questioner. I am glad to find this one!
This is great information with some examples of application thank you,